Honey, have you seen the toothpaste?

  

Two of my children are kleptomaniacs.  The five year old is definitely going to be looking at five-to-ten at some point in her life, no question.  She steals and she lies about it without even a glimmer of remorse: double whammy.  But that is a topic for another day.  It is the 16 month old, “D,” that has my panties in a wad today.  He and my black lab are in cahoots.  D likes to steal things and give them to Dog for oral pleasure. Dog is sneaky and fast.  I think he signals D when I’m not looking (or have had too much wine), and D grabs the loot and runs as fast as his chubby little legs can carry him.  Then he hands off the goods to the dog and the dog disappears for a while.  Like seasoned criminals, they never divvy up the score at the scene of the crime…D usually meets up with Dog later and always gets the smaller share as Dog usually ingests a good portion by the time D arrives at the designated hideaway.  Some of the hot items successfully moved, stripped, and “repurposed”  in our home include cell phones, credit cards, remote controls (a crime-team favorite), and personal hygiene products.

The latest item to fall prey to this insidious crime ring is the kids’ tube of toothpaste.  It was missing for a good day and a half, and I was losing my mind trying to find it.  The two older kids went on a brushing strike and moaned that being forced to brush with mommy’s mint flavored toothpaste or plain baking soda was blatant child abuse and grounds for DSS intervention.  Finally, after trailing Dog back to his hideout on an undercover stake-out, I found the remains of the missing toothpaste: under my bed, shamelessly chewed to pieces. Tom’s of Maine Outrageous Orange-Mango is not easy to come by here in suburban hell and it is a long, congested drive to the health food store.  But luckily for my kids, I am very handy, frugal, environmentally conscious, and a bit of a sloth.  Would you believe I’ve been able to get two more days of toothpaste out of this tube?!  Of course, oldest son is horrified that I am poisoning him with dog germs, but fortunately klepto-girl doesn’t seem to mind the dog hair (which is good, because I’m guessing hairy toothpaste is probably standard issue in the joint).  They both agree that even dog slobber and hair is a step up from mint or baking soda.  I guess I’ll make a trip to the store today and stock up for the future, since Dog clearly has a taste for Outrageous Orange-Mango.  I just have to find the car keys….and the baby.