Keep Your Homeschooling at Home, Lady.

This is the body of an email I received last night from one of the maniacal homeschooling über-moms in my hood:  

We are studying the solar system this year and I wanted to be sure to include those little plutinos out there that were discovered in 2005.  

I didn’t know that there is a planet between Mars and Jupiter though.  Did you?

Here is a Word document showing the new solar system model along with info on that planet.  If you want more info on the plutino planets beyond Pluto, there is a ton of info on Wikipedia.com.

I thought Ceres was out there by Pluto.  I was wrong.  I spent over an hour reading lots about these “dwarf planets”.  Very interesting.  I wonder what model they teach in the school system?

Oh sweet Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick.  I could not make this shit up if I tried.  I do not have time to read this kind of obnoxious self-promotion…I have a family-sized box of Kraft Mac and Cheese to stir, people!  

I have nothing against homeschooling. Personally, I would never, could never do that with my spawn, but hey, whatever floats your boat.  But I like choices and I respect those of others as long as they don’t interfere with my rights and freedoms.  I totally appreciate the desire to protect your kids from bullies, school gunmen, irradiated cafeteria food, and exposure to undesirable influences (like Harry Potter *gasp* or racy science topics like evolution, good Lordy!).  Fine.  Whatever.  You go right on ahead and shelter your pasty white kids from the evils of public school, at least until the National Spelling Bee when he/she can mesmerize the rest of the free world with their Rainman-esque freakishly specific skill set. You’re actually doing me a favor, because now my kids won’t have to be exposed to your over-scheduled progeny boasting on the bus about how they’ve been SAVED.  So thanks.  But I would like to request that you not fill up my inbox with updates about all the fabulicious things you are teaching your kids in your oodles of spare time.  I consciously choose public school and 7.5 hours away from my children everyday FOR MANY REASONS and don’t really give a rat’s ass about little plutinos or any other curriculum topics in which your children are light-years ahead of schedule. So please, save us both some time and instead of annoying me with your Internet superiority dance, how about using that time for something more productive such as researching how to improve your sheltered children’s social skills. They may know a hell of a lot more than my kids about dwarf planets and URANUS (har), but they will never excel at the fine arts of dodgeball, cafeteria navigation, or general conversation with people other than their parents.

Footnote: I would like to apologize to several of my friends and relatives who homeschool for very specific medical and behavioral reasons.  This does not apply to you (especially the parts about being pasty white, over-scheduled, and SAVED).  However, I would appreciate it if you also limited your boasting.  That is just not very Christ-like behavior now is it?