Clock Punchin’

Workin’ 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin’
Barely gettin’ by 
It’s all takin’ and no givin’. 
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It’s enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it…

“9 to 5″  Music and Lyrics by Dolly Parton.

Can you believe it was 28 years ago that the movie Nine to Five was released?  Gawd, I love that movie. Here’s how Netflix.com summarizes it:

A troika of female employees (Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton) fed up with their “sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot” of a boss (Dabney Coleman) entertains fantasies about evening the score. But fantasy turns into reality when the women think they’ve inadvertently poisoned his coffee. To cover their tracks, they concoct an intricate scheme that will turn the tables on the chief and shred the patriarchal old boys’ network. 

I was only ten years old when this film was released, and I bet I haven’t seen it in 15 years or so, but I’ll be damned it I couldn’t do the entire screen play off the top of my head right this very minute.  As a young girl growing up in the 80s, this film heavily shaped my pre-teen understanding of working women, female friendship, gender inequality in the workplace, comedy, vengeance, and S&M (“M&Ms).  It was an instant classic in my home and to this day I can’t look at Snow White, an electric garage door opener, or a woman wielding a firearm, without thinking about this benchmark film.  And I am fairly certain that listening to Dolly Parton’s deliciously funny and sexy southern drawl in her Nine to Five movie debut is the very reason why, to this day, I write like a potty mouthed southern belle even though I am originally from Pittsburgh, PA.  (“Ya’ll” is sexier than “Yinz” any day of the week, in my humble opinion.)  

And even though it is almost 30 years old, the story is timeless.  Everyone can relate to an oppressive asshole boss like Mr. Hart or the need to break out and do things your own way.  Who hasn’t fantasized about getting revenge on an enemy or two?  And that song…the catchy Grammy winning one Dolly Parton took all the way to number one back in 1980!  Just listen to it.  I’ve got three bucks and a Huggies coupon that says your feet will be tappin’, honey.  And Lord have mercy – the “I’m gonna change you from a rooster to a hen, in one shot” monologue…it just doesn’t get any better than that.        

So imagine my excitement to hear this morning on NPR that this classic, beloved film about female empowerment and friendship has been turned into a full fledged MUSICAL!  And get this, the one and only Dolly Parton wrote the score her own damn self.  And Allison “West Wing” Janney is starring as Violet Newstead (Lily Tomlin in the movie). How freakin’ perfect is THAT?!  Can you feel it, ya’ll?

But oh, whoa is me.  This musical opens tonight in Los Angeles and then next March, just a few days after my birthday, it will open on Broadway!  And here I am, a suburban POW, sitting here with my unbrushed teeth on my third cup of black coffee, nursing my little one’s DOUBLE GOD DAMNED EAR INFECTION.  Oh that poor little baby.  But enough about him.  Back to pathetic little ol’ ME, stuck here, with not even a snowball’s chance in hell of ever seeing that musical.  Shoot, I bet I couldn’t even get to that show if it came to the local high school and there were special half price tickets for auto club members on sale at the Piggly Wiggly.  Just the other day I asked my gatekeeper husband if I could go to a Moveon.org “calling party” tomorrow to recruit swing state Obama supporters and you know what that punk ass bitch said?  ”Geez Hon.  Sunday is like my only day to relax.”  To which I replied, in my most loving tone of voice, “Well that is true, sweetie pie, and I sure appreciate the need to relax after a long week.  But you know what, sugar?  I think it will be a whole lot easier for everyone in the free world to relax over the course of the next four years if we can get Obama elected and end this crazy Bush legacy of terror.  And if you would please just watch the babies for a few hours on Sunday afternoon so I could go and make some phone calls with my free nights and weekends cell phone plan, you could probably rest a whole lot easier knowing that you did your part for the greater good.  Just think about that, OK honey buns?”  ACK!  Yeah, those single working gals on Nine to Five were totally on to something.  Where is that rat poisoning when I need it?

Or maybe I’ll just head on over to the Ace Hardware and pick up some chains.  I do have an electric garage door opener, and I’m not afraid to use it.  Moveon.org Calling Party Members, I’ll see you all tomorrow.  

Oh, and my email address is imbearded@gmail.com, just on the off chance that you want to send me, oh I don’t know, two free tickets to the Broadway opening for my birthday? And not to be all Mrs. Fussy Britches or nothin’, but I’m kinda nearsighted, so if those tickets could be up close and personal, that would probably be best.  Thanks sugar.

9 to 5: The Musical (LA Opening info)

9 to 5: The Musical (Official Site)