Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

One word: TOTO®.  

It is THE brand of toilets preferred by industry insiders and general poop experts world-wide. 

I learned this two years ago when we upgraded our powder room toilet. I was wandering the aisles of a local home improvement mega-store, having trouble choosing between the highly publicized American Standard and Kohler brands, when I decided to use my “phone-a-friend lifeline.” Luckily for me, I happen to be very tight with two fabulous people who do PR for one of the industry leaders in plumbing fixtures and they have educated me over the years on some of the ins and outs of the toilet biz. So I speed-dialed “John” from the toilet aisle, knowing he had worked for one of those major brands, and asked which of the two major toilets to buy. And you know what he said? “NEITHER. Get a TOTO.” It was a life changing phone call. Big lesson there ya’ll… surround yourself with good people and ask for help when you need it! It just doesn’t get any easier than that.   

“Technologically advanced and aesthetically pleasing, our industry-leading toilets offer legendary flushing performance.” TOTO®, you had me at “legendary.” That is not a word one typically associates with toileting. I find it absolutely irresistible. And when I learned that TOTO’s 2 – 1/8 inch extra large trapway can pass a 2″ test ball (which is 33% larger than the industry standard) without clogging, I knew it was just the toilet for our passel of professional poopers.  

So that was two years ago. We bought the TOTO® Clayton™ 1.6 GPF with G-MAX commercial grade flushing performance and have never looked back. That single purchase may be the only thing in my life that has never caused me even a hint of buyer’s remorse. I love that thing. LOVE. So naturally, the other day when our four house guests clogged the two non-TOTO toilets on our second floor, a few days before Thanksgiving, I knew there was only one thing to do.  

The Gatekeeper and I loaded up the mini-van and headed back to European Sink Atlanta. As a satisfied repeat customer, I walked in that place like I owned it and announced without shame to the lovely saleslady who greeted us: “We’ve got a house full of company and a clogged toilet situation. We need a TOTO.” 

She was ready and willing to help us find the exact model for our needs. But who knew there were so many features to consider?! When I bought my last TOTO®, I really didn’t do any research beyond asking my friend John about the brand. I chose the TOTO® Clayton™ because of the way it coordinated with my other powder room design choices. It was pricey, but so worth it. It’s gorgeous and performs like a dream. 

But this time, I felt like I was ready for the advanced class on Toilet Talk.  

Other than the fact that I knew it had to be a TOTO®, our new toilet needed to meet three criteria. This one was going into the kids’ bathroom upstairs, so it needed to be very utilitarian and easy to clean; style was not as much of an issue. I also knew that I never wanted to hear another house guest rummaging for a toilet plunger – so flushing performance was critical. And thirdly, I wanted to keep the cost down. 

These three requirements were enough to point us in the right direction of the showroom. But Lordhavemercy! The choices! Did we want the SanaGloss™ protective porcelain glaze to make cleaning even easier? (YES! Der.) And what about flushing technology? Would the G-MAX be enough for our incredibly constipated extended family or should we go whole hog and get the TOTO® Patented Double Cyclone Flushing System? And of course I could accept nothing less than a SoftClose® toilet seat! That’s right people… there is such a thing. A toilet seat that closes slowly and silently on its own. Say goodbye to noisy slamming toilets. Tell me more, TOTO®. Tell me more.  

Did we want a one-piece unit with no pesky seam to trap all the poorly aimed boy pee?  Gosh, those are more expensive and heavier, but easier to clean. Oooh, how about a skirted model? I do have two little boys who apparently subscribe to the Dick Cheney method of “ready, aim, fire, miss.” Hmmm. Tough choice. And what about the water efficiency? I totally want to “be green,” but not at the expense of a poor flush. I am sorry Mother Earth, but I will sacrifice a little extra water for the sake of no skid marks. Shoot, it’s not like my kids ever remember to flush anyway. But with TOTO’s brilliant engineering and a possible rebate in my county for water-wise upgrades, it may be worth it to choose the “eco” model! 

Then there was the whole comfort factor. We are tall people. Should we get the ADA compliant model that is a little higher off the ground? Or, since this new toilet was going to be in the kids’ bathroom, should we get the standard height? Elongated bowl or round?  

And speaking of options, TOTO® offers a full line of Washlet seats with features such as remote controls, aerated warm water cleansing, deodorizing system, heated seats, and much more. Oh boy, this was going to be tougher than I thought. 

Thank GOD I had The Gatekeeper with me. He is SO practical, don’t you know. He was able to filter through all the information and decide without reservation within a matter of minutes on the biggest bang for the smallest buck. He chose The Eco-Drake® Toilet, 1.28 GPF. I am convinced that he partially chose this model so he could annoyingly repeat the Seinfeld quote “Love the Drake!” for the rest of his natural life. But as usual, he was right. This toilet is perfect for the kids’ bathroom. It is simple and attractive, water efficient, powerful, and economical. With tax and the SoftClose seat upgrade it was $301 out the door. 

I personally was much more interested in the TOTO® Gywneth™! And yes, partly because it shares the same name as one of my favorite celebs. The TOTO® Gywneth™ was totally out of our league though. Retailing at $680, it features a one-piece design, has the SanaGloss finish, is ADA compliant, and sports the Double Cyclone flush technology. That means it uses two powerful nozzles to create a forceful centrifugal action that cleans the rim and bowl thoroughly with every flush. Self cleaning, ya’ll! Can you believe it? AND the rim has no holes, which makes it even easier to keep clean and offers a seamless appearance. Pardon me while I wipe my drool. I find it captivating that a toilet marketed for being so clean has the same name as an actress so well known for her immaculately groomed undercarriage. Coincidence? I think not.

The Gatekeeper promised me we could get the TOTO® Gwyneth™ for the Master Bathroom someday… he said it was way too nice for the kids’ bath. I guess he’s right, as usual. Dammit.  

But back to The Drake. Love the Drake. The installation was pretty easy, according to my brother-in-law, Mr. Awesome, and his two crack-a-lacky helpers, my husband and his little brother (pictured below). He’s single, ladies, and he lives in Chicago. Email me for details. First come, first served. 

Just say "no" to crack.

 

Mmmm, look at all that baked-in goodness!

I just want to say, those designers and engineers at TOTO® thought of everything! Look at the picture below of my old toilet. You can see how the toilet seat was attached with metal screws, which had rusted over time and left a big old nasty mess every time the seat was closed. Disgusting.

Plus, look at all the Thomas-English-Muffinesque-nooks-and-crannies on the old seat which collected all the poorly aimed boy pee and proved nearly impossible to clean:

Ewwww! I’ll have you know that this toilet was cleaned by a paid professional less than a week before this picture was taken. Even Mr. Clean himself wouldn’t be able to get that dried-on tinkle out of those cracks and crevices. This is just poor design. Beamis, shame on you. 

But look at how the geniuses at TOTO® address this issue:

Shoot, look at that, I already see a few little sprinkles of dried boy pee on back of the seat. Not cool. But what I really want you to see is the fact that there are no metal parts here to rust and corrode. And the connection between the seat and the toilet is one long seam… so easy to clean. Now look at the other side:

See? More great design. Again, one long seam with plastic covers over the plastic screws. Those covers pop open for easy cleaning. Brilliant! 

The only thing missing here is a “bullseye” painted in the bowl, as suggested by a fellow blogger who knows a thing or two about boys and pee-pee.  TOTO® Gods, you may want to consider adding that as an interim solution while you are developing a self-cleaning lid (and base, and surrounding walls, and ceiling, Lordhavemercy). 

Oh look, here’s a picture of the venison sausage my brother-in-law brought with him and cooked on my stove one morning during his ten day visit. Yeah. With a diet like that, you can see why we need the extra flushing power. I bet I could flush all four of those greasy sausages AND the frying pan in my new TOTO® and still not have to use a toilet plunger. Now THAT’S a good toilet. 

Good Lord Almighty. How I survived those ten days is a mystery. I’m certain retiring my plunger had something to do with it though. Thank you TOTO®! 

So anyhooo, I just had to share the good news. It is hard not to gush about a marvel of engineering and design such as my new TOTO® Eco-Drake. I am seriously in love. LOVE, I tells ya. Get one. At least one. And tell ‘em Iris sentcha, honey. Clean is Happy! Truer words have never been spoken. 

© 2008 The Bearded Iris