Party Planning

Hey ya’ll! I’m feeling much better, thanks for asking. And I’m so excited today! Not only did my beloved hometown team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, win Super Bowl XLIII, but I’m fixin’ to have a party in a few days… an adult sex toy party for women! WOOOO-HOOOO! 

It’s actually called a “Pure Romance” Party, but come on, let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? Romance? Naw. This is gonna be dirty… I’m talking “who’s yer Daddy,” spankalicious, XXX, batteries required dirty. 

Pure Romance is one of those ubiquitous home-based sales parties where a consultant comes in and does her dog and pony show and then all the guests fork out money to buy what she’s hocking. The hostess, in exchange for all the hard work organizing and throwing the party, gets a percentage of the party’s sales in free product. Think Tupperware, The Pampered Chef, Creative Memories, etc., only in this case, instead of cooking or scrapbooking tools, it is all vibrators, lingerie, lubes, and edible lotions. Totally up my alley, so to speak. 

I’ve been to one of these before… well, two of them, actually. They can either be really fun, or really awkward, depending on who is invited and how much alcohol is involved. The first one I went to was a work-related bridal shower for a co-worker in a very small town in North Carolina. It was a bunch of very uptight, sober Southern Belles. Nobody knew each other very well (at the beginning of the evening), and it could not have been more uncomfortable. Long story short: nobody wants to know that the new girl who is chronically late to work is interested in purchasing an econo-sized bottle of “Booty Ease” and a “Double Header.” The other sex toy party I went to was much more fun… everyone knew each other pretty well and we were at a resort for a girls’ weekend. There were a couple of wet blankets, you know the type… women who call their vaginas “down there” while pointing South and making an “icky” face. Look, if you can’t even say “vagina,” there is no way you are going to let your hair down at a sex toy party and be open to learning more about how to please yourself and your partner in the sack. Fortunately, the raunchy fun majority of us scared the repressed one or two away when we started trying on the strap-ons after our third round of shots. I vaguely remember one of my favorite nasty girls chasing one of the prudes down the hallway of the resort while wearing an enormous black strap-on number. That was just before the front desk called us for the second time asking us to keep the noise down and to please stay in our suite. Ah, good times. 

So knowing how much fun these parties can be with the right group of women and a competent bartender, my very good friend LL and I decided to plan one a few weeks ago on a gloomy winter morning right after we got the kids off to school. We were bored silly and trying to find something, anything really, to look forward to at this dreary time of year. Sex, we decided. We need more sex. Sex will keep us busy and healthy. We need something that will spice up our lives and help our friends too! Ooooh, let’s have a party all about sex. Ooooh ooooh, I know!…theme party. We’ll serve sexy foods, make sexy decorations, play sexy music, and bring in one of those “Sexperts” who can teach us new tricks and sell us things we can’t live without for the boudoir! YES! Let’s do it!!! Of course, it’s probably never a good idea to plan anything right after your ADD meds kick in and you are feeling extra capable and optimistic, but that’s another story. 

And so a plan was hatched, a Google search was made, a phone call was placed, and we are all set to bring together about 10 of our raunchiest girlfriends for a night of passion enhancing belly laughs.

I’m planning to serve Buttery Nipples shots, Sex on the Beach COCKtails, vulva candies (of course!), and some other finger foods made from readily available grocery store aphrodisiacs like pine nuts, avocados, chili peppers, and fresh berries (i.e., no powdered Asian yak testes required). Should be very stimulating.

As for decorating… we’re thinking of lots of sexy red, pink, and black for napkins, plates, and tablecloths. I plan on spending a lot of money on good booze and food, so I probably won’t do much more on the decorations. Besides, I’ll be so busy wrangling the dog hair tumbleweeds and gathering/stashing piles of clutter that I won’t have time to get all fancy with penis shaped drinking straws and such. I’ll just let the Pure Romance consultant be in charge of the eye candy with her table full of vibrating, glow-in-dark, strawberry scented thing-a-ma-bobs.  

This is just the thing to get us through these cold winter days and nights. And you gotta love getting a package in the mail from your party consultant with free samples! Check out what my “Sexpert” Heather just sent me: 

 

Free Samples!

 

The Post-It Note from my "Sexpert" explaining how to use the free samples. If memory serves, this might be the first Post-It Note I've ever seen with the word "clitoris" on it. Awesome!

Seriously? I love this girl already. She’s so perky on the phone and sounds very sweet and approachable. Judging by her voice and handwriting, she’s very young, but she told me that she is married with two kids, so I know she is going to have some great advice and product ideas for a bunch of stretched out old horny housewives women like me and my friends. 

And of course it comes as no surprise that all the husbands of the women I’ve invited are being very supportive of their wives all of a sudden. I’m sure not a one of these dudes will be getting home late this Friday, for once. They’ve all stepped up to the plate offering their wives carte blanche.  ”Spend whatever you want, honey!” “Do you need me to feed and bathe the kids while you’re gone?” “Would you like me to do some laundry while you’re out? Uh…which detergent should I use for the whites?” One friend even went so far as to say that she’s pretty sure her husband will divorce her if she DOESN’T come to this little shindig. Men. Sheeesh. Hey, whatever it takes, eh? Well, hopefully my guests will spend enough money that I can get a stripper pole for a steal. Kidding… I already have one. But truthfully, I’m just really looking forward to getting some good friends together who will make me laugh hard enough to keep me going until Spring… the potential free products are just icing on the cake.  

So that’s what I’ll be doing this week… cleaning and cooking sexy foods and making plans to get my husband and children out of the house for the night so that I can let it all hang out and be the hostess with the mostess. It’s so nice to have something to look forward to, isn’t it?! 

Stay tuned! More to cum, I mean come, about this naughty night of nympho knee-slappin’ fun! 

© 2009 The Bearded Iris