Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Well, The Gatekeeper put the big kibosh on my spending. Dammit. Always the practical one, he’s a little concerned about the state of our economy. He actually told me, and I quote, “You have to stop buying things.” I’m pretty sure he means clothes and shoes and makeup, and not things like the economy size bucket of Oxy Clean required for fighting the omnipresent stains in his drawers. (Note to self: it appears as though saving grocery money by serving lots of bean burritos only increases the laundry expenses… something to consider when planning our weekly menu and budget.) 

So, always wanting to be an obedient concubine wife, I needed to find a way to get my shopping fix and save money at the same time. I don’t use coupons… even when I go to the trouble to find them, and clip them, and bring them with me (and that’s three strikes against me right there), I invariably forget to hand them to the clerk during checkout. Never fails. 

Nor do I wait for sales. Timing isn’t my thing. Neither is patience. Or self-control for that matter. 

Luckily for me, I have discovered the perfect outlet. It’s a little ol’ thang called Goodwill. I know, I know, it’s a thrift store… ick! Honey, listen, don’t get yer panties in a wad. It is totally different than it used to be. Thrift stores are not just for homeless people and Halloween costumes anymore. They are veritable treasure troves of goodness! Yes, it is true, you may have to dig a bit to find that buried treasure, but believe-you-me, it is so worth it.  

You see, there are two coexisting trends right now that are working together to create the perfect shopping environment! First of all, people are desperate for ways to cut back and save a buck. Being thrifty is totally hip right now. It is the new Green. And secondly, people all over this nation are striving to simplify their lives. They are glued to shows like Clean Sweep and Clean House and some poor schmucks are even sending pictures of their cluttered homes to Oprah in desperate hopes of landing a free clutter-busting-makeover from Peter Walsh himself. Suckahs. How desperate can you get? Bygones. Anyhooo, everywhere you turn, people are filling their SUVs with STUFF they no longer want or need and are dropping them off at thrift stores left and right. And wouldn’t you know it? Some of that STUFF that people are just dying to get rid of is pretty darn nice! We’ve been a nation of excess for so long, charge-charge-charging our way into this economic crisis, that many of us who are “drowning in clutter” are actually drowning in a pretty fancy sea of Pottery Barn knick knacks that just have to go! 

And here I am, smack dab in the middle of a perfect storm of clutter-clearing, treasure-hunting, bargain-shopping, and husband-evading. The air is ripe with possibilities. 

My goal is to take more to Goodwill than I bring back home with me, but so far I’m about dead even. I feel pretty good about my purchases though and have strived to buy only things that I think we truly need.

Here is one of my favorite purchases to date… it is a hand painted lampshade that I procured for about $2.00. 

Isn’t it purdy? Only problem… I figured out pretty damn quickly why someone got rid of it…

Here’s what it looks like when you turn on the lamp:

Fugly. Oh well. I still like it during the day. And for two bucks? Shoot. Can’t beat that with a stick! 

One thing I’ve figured out is that not every Goodwill store is the same. Here in North Georgia there are a few Goodwills that are much nicer than others. Sometimes they are very disorganized and it is hard to find what you want. At other stores, you walk in and I swear you can hear angels singing. Have you ever seen organization in a thrift store like this?

Seriously ya’ll. That is so pleasing to the eye, ain’t it? All the clothing racks in this particular store are like that. They must have Rain Man managing it or something. Me likee. 

Another thing I’ve noticed at these thrift stores is the plethora of discarded teacher appreciation CRAP. Por examplo:

This tells me two things:

1.) teachers do not appreciate this junk. You should see the number of “World’s Best Teacher” coffee mugs lining the shelves of these thrift stores. I know you love your teacher, but he/she does not want another apple-shaped Christmas ornament, coffee mug, or pencil holder. If every parent in the class pooled their $5.00, that hard-working teacher could buy something they really want and save themselves the hassle of making another trip to the thrift store to drop off all the clutter they keep receiving from you people. 

2.) if you insist on buying this tacky shit for your teachers, go buy it for pennies on the dollar at the Goodwill! Then, put a gift card or a nice crisp five or ten dollar bill in that hideous mug and know that you are supporting a local charity and your teacher in a way she’ll appreciate. Trust me on this one. 

And speaking of teachers… 

Damn. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them? And Richard Simmons too. 

Which brings me to my next point. If you are new to thrifting, you might want to stick to housewares and books. It can be difficult to find clothes you like or want at thrift stores. There is a lot of stuff like that dress above. I did find a fabulous “like new” winter coat for $4.00 that I am just tickled about… and hopefully once I wash it in extra hot water it will be much less likely to tickle me back. I also found a really great pair of pajama pants. They were the right size, a good brand, a great fabric, already broken in and soft, and in great shape:

… at least I thought they were in great shape, until I lifted one of the pant legs to check for rips and discovered this:

 

Look closely at the crotch (like you usually do, ya cheeky monkey!).  D’ya see that? Yep. It is a big ol’ blood stain. Ewwww. Ladies, ladies, ladies. How could you? Didn’t your Mama ever tell you that you can’t just leak your monthly moon juice all over your PJ pants and stick ‘em in the Goodwill bag?! For Pete’s sake! That is why God invented Oxy Clean, honey. Gross. 

Yeah. I bought ‘em anyway. So what? 

OK, one last tip. Don’t take your kids with you when you shop at Goodwill unless you are well medicated, have a strong stomach, and are in the mood to negotiate. For starters, as you well know, kids are nasty little varmints. Maybe that sounds a tad negative. What I mean is that children, being so trusting and adventurous, and enthusiastic, don’t necessarily mix well with “previously owned” housewares. In other words, if your kids are anything like mine, you can bet that they’ll stick used Scooby-Doo sippy cup straws into their mouths and lick dusty artificial fruit while simultaneously trying to convince you to buy these items for them. Or they’ll grab a hideous dusty figurine, hold it up to their little face, and plead: “Oh MOM! Look how cute! How could anyone part with this?”

Yep. You guessed it. I am now the proud owner of this sad little cow. Don’t worry, he’ll be back at Goodwill sooner than later, I hope. Along with those previously stained pajama pants, once I get my fill of them. 

Happy Thrifting! 

xoxo,

Iris