“Where’ve ya been, honey?” she asked. “We missed you.”
“Thanks sugar. It’s a long story.” said I.
“Abridge it, bee-otch… I know it’s gonna be sick.”
“Why, thank you! Well… first I got bitten by a snapping turtle and couldn’t type for a few weeks. No lie. Then I found out I was being cyber-stalked by some misogynistic little-dicked punk ass bitch who was trying to scare me into the dark ages. But mostly, it was just summer. You know… three kids, long days, high humidity. The usual. All I had time for was slathering sunscreen and bug spray and when I wasn’t a-slatherin’, I was washing sand out of crevices and scalps, or busy refilling my glass and praying for the strength to make it to the start of the school year. I fucking HATE summer. Thank GOD it’s over.”
“Excuse me… did you just say you got bitten by a real-honest-to-God-snapping-turtle?”
“Mmmm-hmmm.”
“Shut up! You lie like a rug, bitch.”
“I swear on my children’s children. I swear on the health of my retinas. I swear on…”
“OK. I get it. Dammit, you are one hot mess, honey. A real snapping turtle? Are you sure?”
“Google it, bitch.”
“I am gonna pray for you honey.”
“Thanks Grandma,” I said.
And there you have it. I’m back. And I brought you something! This is my new obsession. It’s a little ol’ website called Texts from Last Night… a place where people can submit texts they’ve received and we get to read them and laugh until our boxed wine spurts out of our noses. (Or is that just me?) Seriously ya’ll… thank God I did all my “dating” before the text-age. These kids today are crazy. ENJOY!
xoxox,
Iris
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Yay! You’re back. A curse on snapping turtles, MLDPABs and summers too. Welcome back…
YAY!! You really are back.
I hope you’re planning to fill us in about the cyber-stalker with the teeny-weeny man tool. You know, you’re nobody until you’re cyberstalked. Girl, you’ve made the Big Time.
I’m surprised, though, that you let your grandmother talk to you like that. I’d give her sorry withered ass a good whuppin’ if I were you.
Have you been channeling James Ellroy? Your dialogue is up there with the McCarthy, Richard Price, Pelecanos and Elmore Leonards. It’s also slightly scary.
Looking forward to your “what I did on my holidays” posts. No abridging now.
Great to hear your writer’s voice again, Iris.