Field of Dreams

I have a neighbor who paid a shit-load of clams to have her yard professionally landscaped a few years back. It looks beee-utiful. That lady definitely got what she paid for, y’all.

Let me paint a picture… there’s a lovely little water feature nestled among a variety of ground covers, a Japanese Maple that cost more than my first car, and a tasteful array of perennials that warmly welcome visitors all year long. But the coup de grace is the handful of subtle yet effective solar powered path lights that safely guide folks to her front door in a most aesthetically and energy efficient way. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, it’s all about lighting, people. Anyhooooo, the whole package is, in the words of my frequently inebriated and ever effusive Mama, TO-DIE-FOR. 

My yard… um, not so much. 

The only water feature I have is the sound of my toddler pissing into the bushes every time we go outside. And as for perennials, do crab grass and clover count?

I do have path lights, but they are a little on the rustic side:

That’s right, baby. Didn’t cost me a dime. They’re volunteers! FAB.U.LOUS. They are also solar powered, organic, energy efficient, very low maintenance, and hopefully, edible. 

Yep. You guessed it. Wild mushrooms. Let’s take a closer look-see, shall we? 

Oooh, how pretty! Do they remind you of anything?

How ’bout now?…

If you answered “boobies,” YOU – ARE – CORRECT! How awesome is that? Lawn boobies, people… in my front yard. Jealous? Hey, they kinda look like mine too… pasty white, asymmetrical, one with a lazy eye. 

Actually, if I’m being honest (said in my best Simon Cowell voice), my sweater puppets look a bit more like this:

Different color, but otherwise, yeah. Probably not a good endorsement for the Japanese Eggplant Growers of America (JEGA)… “Our veggies look like dried up Cougar boobs! Come on down to the Eggplant Emporium’s close out sale! It’s buy one get one free, folks!” Also, just have to say, this picture is in NO WAY affiliated with La Leche League. I repeat. Breast milk is best. And, the money you’ll save on baby formula can grow in an interest bearing account until you are ready for your boob job or some self-image therapy. So worth it. (Still saving up for mine, obviously). 

OK. Back to the lawn boobies. Scratch that part about being edible (the mushrooms, not my boobs). My research tells me that these little babies are highly poisonous (again, mushrooms). I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities in the wild wild world of mushrooms. Best case: violent gastrointestinal upset. Worst case: death. Ewww, who needs that? I know my neighbor paid way less than that for hers. I just wanted some pretty, organic path lights, dammit. And if they happen to look like boobies, even better. But not edible, and in fact, deadly? Mwah. Mwah. 

Seriously, I know better than to try to eat a wild mushroom. I mean, duh. But I didn’t realize just how dangerous toadstools could be. Get this, toadstools from the Amanitas family, “are the reason why there are no old, bold mushroom hunters. Several members of this group contain amanitin, one of the deadliest poisons found in nature. One cap of a Destroying Angel (Amanita virosa) can kill a man.” Specifically, “their poison can destroy your liver and there is no good treatment available.”

Destroy my liver? Ha! Too late! Mushroom omelet, anyone?

Well, it could be worse. Instead of a front yard full of poisonous spore dropping lawn boobies, I could have discovered a field of Phallus drewesii, a 5cm-long stinkhorn mushroom that smells like rotting fish and, as the name suggests, looks a little bit like a penis:

Lovely. At least my lawn boobies are odor-free. Deadly, but not stinky. 

Oh, or this. A penis shaped mushroom that is an aphrodisiac, hallucinogen, and cursed? Who knew? I’ll just stick with the baby bellas from Publix, thanks. 

Oooh, how ’bout finding one of these in your yard? That reminds me of a bad date I had in college. Not pleasant.

And, best for last, there’s always this. Spoiler alert: another smelly penis mushroom… but this time, DOG PENIS. Double gross.

Suddenly, my poisonous white-trash path lights are not so bad. I doubt if my neighbors would agree, but who has time or money for real landscaping these days? I’m saving up to trade in my Japanese Eggplant for a pair of grapefruit first. Or therapy.

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Well, The Gatekeeper put the big kibosh on my spending. Dammit. Always the practical one, he’s a little concerned about the state of our economy. He actually told me, and I quote, “You have to stop buying things.” I’m pretty sure he means clothes and shoes and makeup, and not things like the economy size bucket of Oxy Clean required for fighting the omnipresent stains in his drawers. (Note to self: it appears as though saving grocery money by serving lots of bean burritos only increases the laundry expenses… something to consider when planning our weekly menu and budget.) 

So, always wanting to be an obedient concubine wife, I needed to find a way to get my shopping fix and save money at the same time. I don’t use coupons… even when I go to the trouble to find them, and clip them, and bring them with me (and that’s three strikes against me right there), I invariably forget to hand them to the clerk during checkout. Never fails. 

Nor do I wait for sales. Timing isn’t my thing. Neither is patience. Or self-control for that matter. 

Luckily for me, I have discovered the perfect outlet. It’s a little ol’ thang called Goodwill. I know, I know, it’s a thrift store… ick! Honey, listen, don’t get yer panties in a wad. It is totally different than it used to be. Thrift stores are not just for homeless people and Halloween costumes anymore. They are veritable treasure troves of goodness! Yes, it is true, you may have to dig a bit to find that buried treasure, but believe-you-me, it is so worth it.  

You see, there are two coexisting trends right now that are working together to create the perfect shopping environment! First of all, people are desperate for ways to cut back and save a buck. Being thrifty is totally hip right now. It is the new Green. And secondly, people all over this nation are striving to simplify their lives. They are glued to shows like Clean Sweep and Clean House and some poor schmucks are even sending pictures of their cluttered homes to Oprah in desperate hopes of landing a free clutter-busting-makeover from Peter Walsh himself. Suckahs. How desperate can you get? Bygones. Anyhooo, everywhere you turn, people are filling their SUVs with STUFF they no longer want or need and are dropping them off at thrift stores left and right. And wouldn’t you know it? Some of that STUFF that people are just dying to get rid of is pretty darn nice! We’ve been a nation of excess for so long, charge-charge-charging our way into this economic crisis, that many of us who are “drowning in clutter” are actually drowning in a pretty fancy sea of Pottery Barn knick knacks that just have to go! 

And here I am, smack dab in the middle of a perfect storm of clutter-clearing, treasure-hunting, bargain-shopping, and husband-evading. The air is ripe with possibilities. 

My goal is to take more to Goodwill than I bring back home with me, but so far I’m about dead even. I feel pretty good about my purchases though and have strived to buy only things that I think we truly need.

Here is one of my favorite purchases to date… it is a hand painted lampshade that I procured for about $2.00. 

Isn’t it purdy? Only problem… I figured out pretty damn quickly why someone got rid of it…

Here’s what it looks like when you turn on the lamp:

Fugly. Oh well. I still like it during the day. And for two bucks? Shoot. Can’t beat that with a stick! 

One thing I’ve figured out is that not every Goodwill store is the same. Here in North Georgia there are a few Goodwills that are much nicer than others. Sometimes they are very disorganized and it is hard to find what you want. At other stores, you walk in and I swear you can hear angels singing. Have you ever seen organization in a thrift store like this?

Seriously ya’ll. That is so pleasing to the eye, ain’t it? All the clothing racks in this particular store are like that. They must have Rain Man managing it or something. Me likee. 

Another thing I’ve noticed at these thrift stores is the plethora of discarded teacher appreciation CRAP. Por examplo:

This tells me two things:

1.) teachers do not appreciate this junk. You should see the number of “World’s Best Teacher” coffee mugs lining the shelves of these thrift stores. I know you love your teacher, but he/she does not want another apple-shaped Christmas ornament, coffee mug, or pencil holder. If every parent in the class pooled their $5.00, that hard-working teacher could buy something they really want and save themselves the hassle of making another trip to the thrift store to drop off all the clutter they keep receiving from you people. 

2.) if you insist on buying this tacky shit for your teachers, go buy it for pennies on the dollar at the Goodwill! Then, put a gift card or a nice crisp five or ten dollar bill in that hideous mug and know that you are supporting a local charity and your teacher in a way she’ll appreciate. Trust me on this one. 

And speaking of teachers… 

Damn. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them? And Richard Simmons too. 

Which brings me to my next point. If you are new to thrifting, you might want to stick to housewares and books. It can be difficult to find clothes you like or want at thrift stores. There is a lot of stuff like that dress above. I did find a fabulous “like new” winter coat for $4.00 that I am just tickled about… and hopefully once I wash it in extra hot water it will be much less likely to tickle me back. I also found a really great pair of pajama pants. They were the right size, a good brand, a great fabric, already broken in and soft, and in great shape:

… at least I thought they were in great shape, until I lifted one of the pant legs to check for rips and discovered this:

 

Look closely at the crotch (like you usually do, ya cheeky monkey!).  D’ya see that? Yep. It is a big ol’ blood stain. Ewwww. Ladies, ladies, ladies. How could you? Didn’t your Mama ever tell you that you can’t just leak your monthly moon juice all over your PJ pants and stick ‘em in the Goodwill bag?! For Pete’s sake! That is why God invented Oxy Clean, honey. Gross. 

Yeah. I bought ‘em anyway. So what? 

OK, one last tip. Don’t take your kids with you when you shop at Goodwill unless you are well medicated, have a strong stomach, and are in the mood to negotiate. For starters, as you well know, kids are nasty little varmints. Maybe that sounds a tad negative. What I mean is that children, being so trusting and adventurous, and enthusiastic, don’t necessarily mix well with “previously owned” housewares. In other words, if your kids are anything like mine, you can bet that they’ll stick used Scooby-Doo sippy cup straws into their mouths and lick dusty artificial fruit while simultaneously trying to convince you to buy these items for them. Or they’ll grab a hideous dusty figurine, hold it up to their little face, and plead: “Oh MOM! Look how cute! How could anyone part with this?”

Yep. You guessed it. I am now the proud owner of this sad little cow. Don’t worry, he’ll be back at Goodwill sooner than later, I hope. Along with those previously stained pajama pants, once I get my fill of them. 

Happy Thrifting! 

xoxo,

Iris

Supersize THIS!

Don’t you just love a Gyno with a sense of humor?  I had my annual pap smear today, and it was surprisingly not unpleasant. And do you know why?  Because my new midwife Rachel is a hoot!  We spent the first five minutes joking about how totally ineffective super-plus tampons are for women who have cranked out a few kids and have cavernous holes where their vaginas used to be.  At one point, we were laughing so hard, my cheeks started to cramp up (face cheeks, not ass). You know you are damn comfortable with a healthcare provider if you can verbally contemplate the notion of inserting a full roll of paper towels as a tampon. Too bad I would probably still need a pad. Honestly, whoever invented the super-plus size clearly hasn’t had any kids. How ’bout Super-Sizing THAT? Good Lord, women don’t need any more french fries or an extra patty of meat on our burgers!  We need more absorption from our tampons!  And while you’re at it, Super-Sizing Gods, could you please make something larger than a Venti sized latte?  How ’bout a 32 ounce cup-holder shaped vat like the “Big Gulp” at 7-Eleven? Sleep deprived mothers of young children need caffeine and lots of it.  Throw us a bone, dammit.    

So back to me and my legs-in-the-stirrups-laugh-fest today.  While Rachel and I were ranting about our heavy periods, she asked: “Have you considered the NuvaRing?”  

“Huh?  Nuva-what?” 

“NuvaRing!  It’s the best!  It is a plastic ring that you just insert in your vagina once a month. It’s birth control, but it is also great for managing your periods.  You can keep it in for three weeks, take it out for one week, and have a normal period, or you can keep it in all month and skip your period.  That is what I do.” 

“GET OUT!  That sounds FABULOUS!  No period?!  I didn’t know you could do that! Is it like the pill? I can’t do the pill.  Last time I took that shit I gained 10 pounds, got acne, and went on a shooting spree at a playground.  Not good.”

“No, I can’t do the pill either…that’s why I like the NuvaRing.”  Rachel said.  

“But is it like that SNL skit about the birth control where you only get one period a year and have to ‘hold onto your fucking hat!’ because the one period is so bad that anyone who gets in your way dies a violent death?” I pushed.

“No, not at all!  It is wonderful. I have no complaints. But do the research and call me. If you want to try it, I can phone one into your pharmacy whenever you want.” 

“So it is birth control, AND period management medication? And it’s safe? And you like it? Oh snap. You mean my husband didn’t have to have that vasectomy after all?”  Ooops. Shhhh. Nobody tell him, k?  

Oh, one more thing Rachel told me about the NuvaRing before she got all up in my goodie basket for a look-see: she said you should probably notify your partner that it is in there because it can just pop right out during sex! OK, that might be a deal breaker. Or not. I don’t know…that might be kinda cool actually. Like the prize in the bottom of the Cracker Jack box. Do a good job and you’ll be rewarded with a surprise! Not that a plastic ring flying out of your hoo-hoo like an alien spacecraft would be the kind of prize most men want. But maybe, if you play it just right, it could be fun, like a ring-toss game! Ooooh, I know… see if you can shoot the ring onto the pole! BONUS ROUND, anyone?!   

But I digress. So the appointment went well. My womanly parts are all functioning as they should. And I came home to research the NuvaRing®.

First I asked a couple of friends. One loved it. The other one said she had a hard time getting it in and keeping it in. And that woman watches Oprah, so I know she is familiar with the difference between a vulva, a vagina, and a very angry A-Hole.  I highly doubt she was putting it in the wrong place, and she’s only had C-Sections, so I would think she’d be able to keep a little plastic doohickey up there (lucky bitch).   

Then I turned to my other best friend… the Internet. Here’s what I found. First off, NuvaRings are pricey: about $45 each. That’s way more money than tampons. In this economy, definitely something to consider. But more importantly, there is a whole salad bar of potential side effects:   

• Vaginal infections and irritation
• Vaginal secretion
• Headache
• Weight gain
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Change in appetite
• Abdominal cramps and bloating
• Breast tenderness or enlargement
• Irregular vaginal bleeding or spotting
• Changes in menstrual cycle
• Temporary infertility after treatment
• Fluid retention (edema)
• Spotty darkening of the skin, particularly on the face
• Rash
• Weight changes
• Depression
• Intolerance to contact lenses
• Nervousness
• Dizziness
• Loss of scalp hair

Excuse me? Loss of scalp hair? Intolerance to contact lenses? Rash? Vomiting? Weight gain? Headache? Oh…of course! I see. Brilliant. Nobody with any sense would want to ride a fat, bald, rashy, coke-bottle glasses wearing, depressed, nervous, spotty-skinned vomiter. Birth control? Check. (And no wonder I was the only virgin in my incoming college freshman class!…late bloomer.) 

Nope. No can do. I already HAVE depression, nervousness, and spots on my face from my last three pregnancies. I’ll just deal with periods for the next 15 years. Looks like that vasectomy was the right decision after all. Thanks hon! ‘Preciate it.

Panic Room

Well by now you all know that yesterday was the largest one-day Dow Jones point drop in history (-778 points).  Folks, don’t kid yourselves, this is not just a Wall Street issue anymore. The defeat of the bailout bill is a big deal and it is already hurting John and Jane Q. Public. Without some kind of a financial rescue plan moving forward, our nation’s credit market collapse is much more likely to snowball into a full-frontal economic crisis of global proportions. On paper yesterday, investors lost a total of $1.2 TRILLION. It is sickening. Whatever you do, don’t look at your online brokerage statements unless you have a big bottle of Tums in your hand.

I’ve been glued to the TV about this and everyone is saying the same damn thing: “Don’t panic.” But I gotta tell ya, a little bit of panic isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Most of us are so complacent today. We are surrounded by convenience, 24/7.  ATMs, wireless networks, microwavable popcorn, On-Demand TV.  A looming global economic catastrophe is just the motivator I need to get off my lazy ass and get my family prepared for tougher times, just in case.  And I am here to suggest that you do the same.  

Look, this isn’t going to be another Great Depression like what followed the stock market crash of 1929. Back then, we didn’t have the FDIC or such rapid access to information. However, the credit crunch is here to stay for a while (Suze Orman predicts until 2015!).  If you don’t have credit, don’t expect to get it now. And if you do have credit, expect your limits to drop and your fees to rise. We can no longer continue to live beyond our means and just “Charge it! Charge it! Charge it!” like Wilma Flintstone on a maniacal neolithic shopping spree.

So I say, yes, panic (a little)!  This is a great time to get your ducks in a row just in case things get worse before they get better. With that being said, I would like to share with you my best ideas to help you harness your fears and prepare for the worst like the good little Boy and Girl Scouts that we all want to be.  After all, it is “Just the Tip Tuesday” and I am a woman of my word. So let’s get to it. 

Iris’s Top Tens Ways to Survive a Global Economic Crisis:

1.) Buy a fireproof safe and fill it with as much cash as you can hoard. With declining access to credit, cash will be king. My good friend John is a firefighter in California, and no stranger to natural disasters or looting. He tells me that we should all have plenty of small bills stashed away. When the shit hits the fan, don’t expect people to make change. Ones and fives are best. 

2.) Stock up on canned goods (and make sure you have a manual can opener, duh). Don’t forget about plenty of water, powdered milk, powdered eggs, peanut butter, dog food, tampons, dried fruit, beef jerkey, rice, and iodine. Think “Survivor.” You want high protein and high fat non-perishable foods stockpiled just in case.  At least a week’s worth, I would say. The supply chain is a fragile thing…with gas and credit shortages, there could certainly be fewer deliveries to stores. I can’t even walk to the local grocery store from my suburban paradise. If things get ugly, I want to be able to feed my babies, ya’ll.  

3.) Learn Morse Code. When the infrastructure collapses and there is no other way to communicate with others, you’ll be glad that you can tap out a message to your neighbors or cell mates.  

4.) Get your house in order.  Stay home and clean out your garage. When the rioting starts, you definitely want to be able to park both of your SUVs behind the safety of closed doors.

5.) Organize your photos and keepsakes. Pare these down to only the favorites you can grab and run with if you need to evacuate in a hurry.

6.) Share with people who are worse off than you. I’m a Democrat. We care about others and we don’t mind sharing…even with people who haven’t pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. Food Banks are in crisis right now. Donations are down; needs are up. People are so desperate that Food Banks are being robbed. Pathetic. Don’t be a greedy bastard…that is how our nation got here in the first place.  Sheesh. 

7.) Buy a gun and plenty of bullets. If you are the only prepared person in your subdivision, you might wind up staring at a hungry mob one day. Make sure you can defend your family and protect your stash. And buy a locking gun safe – don’t be an asshole. You may have the right to bear arms, but you don’t have the right to allow your gun to get into the wrong hands. Once you are armed and dangerous, make sure you take some lessons and practice at a shooting range so you don’t blow your foot off…or mine.  

8.) Stock up on cartons of cigarrettes.  Even if you don’t smoke, you can use them as bargaining chips with looters and gang members.

9.) Buy lots of duct tape. You never know.

10.) Spay and Neuter your pets and husband. The last thing you need right now are more mouths to feed. Nip that action in the bud…literally.

Well good luck ya’ll. I hope some of these tips can help you get your shit together. Tune in again next week for more hot “Just the Tip Tuesday” advice. Until then, I’ll be seeing you in line at the gas stations! And hey, you in the green Ford Taurus with the “Principal Pal” sticker? I saw that obscene hand gesture today and I do not appreciate it. Seriously! WWJD? Beeotch.

Show Me the Money

If yesterday’s Wall Street blood bath has your panties all in a wad, don’t panic.  This does is not a “run on the Savings and Loan.”  Please leave George Bailey and his new bride alone.  They deserve that honeymoon and should not be harangued by you and your general anxiety disorder.  Just sit back and relax, honey. Iris has some unconventional financial tips that can bring your blood pressure down and please your partner all in one fell swoop.  

1.  Take it from me (and Suze Orman) that a coffee can is NOT the place to stick your money.  Yes, it is always a good idea to have a wad of small bills around in case of emergencies, or for playing “stripper” with your man on special occasions…like Tuesdays, but the majority of your money should remain in FDIC insured accounts.  Don’t be a Chicken Little.  This is not the time to lose your head and do stupid things.  In fact…I’m no expert on this, but I’m thinking now would probably be a good time to BUY BUY BUY.  It is like a fire sale on Wall Street today.  Have at it!

2.  Quit your gym membership.  Have more sex.  It is fun and mostly free.  If you do it correctly and often enough, you can improve flexibility and burn lots of fat.  Plus, you can do it in the privacy of your own home (although outside of the home can be fun too) and you don’t need any special apparatus or matchy-matchy outfits.  Wait, I take that last part back.

3.  Stop buying and wearing panties.  You’ll never have those pesky VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) and you’ll cut down on your laundry, which is also a very hip and “green” thing right now.  Let it breathe…it will thank you later.  See also: tip # 2 above.  No panties = easy access.  

4.  Don’t eat so much.  Think of all the cashola you’ll save at the grocery store!  Plus, you’ll have fewer calories to burn so you won’t need to work out so much.  Once you lose some weight, you’ll feel better about yourself too and can stop spending all that money on therapy and antidepressants.  And you’ll feel sexier, which will make you want to shag even more.  It is a self-perpetuating cycle of thriftiness.  This is a win-win-win solution, people, and it goes hand in hand with tip # 2.  Try it.  

5.  Save money on prescription drugs by stealing them from your friends.  

6.  Set up as many automatic payments as possible with your online banking service.  You’ll save oodles of green on late payment fees and imagine all the extra time you’ll have for things like, oh I don’t know, sex and illegally obtained prescription drugs.  

7.  Don’t pay for things you can get for free like movies, music, cable TV, and sex.  Be creative.    

8.  Get rid of your phones.  Everyone has a cell phone these days…just borrow one from a friend when you need it.  Borrowing a phone today is the equivalent to asking for the time, or bumming a smoke, or using someone else’s toothbrush on a one night stand…no big deal.  People really don’t mind.  

9.  Cut back on the number of extra-curricular activities you force on your over-scheduled children.  In addition to the monthly tuition payments you won’t have to shell out for music lessons, sports teams, tutoring, foreign language immersion classes, and horseback riding clinics, you’ll save on gas and the future psychiatric treatment that your children are most certainly going to require.  

10.  Quit contributing when they pass the basket at church.  If you are embarrassed, do what I do and just stick an empty envelope in there every week.  That way, the judgmental holy rollers in your pew will still think you’re a big spender, but you can use that money toward something more practical, like organic milk or push up bras.  

11.  Be open minded.  A box of wine is economical and better for the environment.  And after the first couple of glasses, the taste really grows on you.  

In conclusion, you don’t have to be a financial wizard to save a little money, just a teensy bit of creativity and a pathological lack of shame.  Oh, and don’t forget to vote Obama.  Who do you think got us into this mess?  Hmmm, let’s see, could it be?  The Republicans?  Oh yes, that is ringing a bell.  Just say no to 4 more years of this shit.  Please.  I beg of you.  Now put your computer away and go shag someone.  Listen to Iris, sugar, and make love, not war.

 

Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. ~S.W. Straus