Random News

I’m kinda busy today shocking the shit out of my masochistic dog with my new invisible fence. He might be the first dog in the history of the company to warrant a refund… he’s just not getting it.  Or maybe he likes it. My salesperson told me that there is a four-prong collar option (as opposed to the two prong dealie he’s sporting right now) that we can try if necessary. I asked if we could strap it to the dog’s crotch. Who knew my dog and I are the perfect sadomasochistic couple!  

So listen, doll babies, I don’t have time to write about the fact that I just nominated my office for America’s Messiest Room on Oprah, or that I grossly undercooked a brisket for company last night and it was like serving saucy loafers, or that I then stuck it in my Crock Pot on low all night so at least we could eat something good today, and I burned that motherfucker! Burned it. In a Crock Pot. On low. Bet you didn’t realize I was so talented in the kitchen. 

But I did take a minute to answer some FAQs and post them for your edification, in between dog shocking and Crock Pot scrubbing. Don’t hate me because my life is so glamourous. 

Oh and one more thing. I accidentally stumbled across the coolest blog today! I signed up for Google Alerts to notify me of Internet activity about The Bearded Iris, and I must have done it wrong (go figure) because I get notified anytime anyone in the galaxy types the words bearded or iris or bearded iris. Annoying. But anywhooo…. I got a little notice that someone had listed the “… top 10 plants found in a punk rock garden!” and Miniature Dwarf Bearded Iris ‘punk’ is one of them. Then I looked at the name of the blog: “Kiss My Aster.” Wow! Sassy gardening humor! I couldn’t resist taking a little peek, and I’m SO GLAD I did, ya’ll. This blog is gorgeous and fun. I just love anything creative and different and ballsy. This gal has a great sense of design and wit. She describes herself as “a retired rock n’roll caterer (Think m&m sorter)” and calls her blog “Jedi-level Gardening…”  This is so worth the detour, gardening fan or not.  Check her out!

Crafty Dog

 

This is my dog.  

As you may recall, he looks nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.

This is my jar of Crayola Crayons.

Isn’t it pretty?

And this is what happened when the two got together for a little intestinal par-tay.  

Not my favorite way to start the day.  

At least this time we didn’t have to go to the vet.  My vet is on speed dial because of this dog and his dietary habits.  

Listen, this dog is trouble. He eats ANYTHING. Socks. Little People. Cat litter. He has a special affinity for dirty tissues….he’ll watch you blow your nose or wipe a kid’s nose and he’ll follow that dirty tissue with his chocolate brown eyes.  Then he’ll wait until you are distracted and he’ll snatch that booger-bundle right out of your hand.  He can wiggle his snout into the tightest or deepest of pockets for a tissue.  Then he’ll gobble it up and poop out a folded swan napkin the next day.  Not really sure how he does that, but it is a sight to behold.  

That reminds me of the time the kids and I were stringing popcorn garlands to hang on the Christmas tree. Oooh-weee, that makes me sound like such a good Mommy, doesn’t it?  Well don’t kid yourselves, I was probably drunk while we were doing it.  Anyhooo, we were using upholstery thread and real sewing needles and listening to The Chipmunks Christmas album (which is probably why I was drinking), and the next thing I knew, Klepto starts crying, “Mommy!  My popcorn is gone!”  That dog was stalking her…like a lion on the savannah, waiting patiently for her guard to be lowered, and then, the pounce and the dash.  That so’mbitch swallowed her whole garland: popcorn, thread, and needle, faster than you could say “Turn that God-awful music down and pour Mommy some more eggnog!”     

When I called the vet I learned that the needle wasn’t really the most dangerous part of this equation…it was the thread.  Apparently, if your pet doesn’t pass the thread all at once, it can cause the intestines to bunch up and lose blood flow.  If that happens, the animal will die.  So there are two choices, poop out the thread, or perform surgery.  Time is of the essence in a case like this.  It has to be passed within 24 hours, or the risk goes way up.  And intestinal surgery is risky at best due to the high likelihood of infection (poop = bacteria).  The vet advised that I “watch the dog closely for the next 24 hours and if part of the string comes out, no matter what, DO NOT PULL IT.”  Um, yeah.  Santa is practically on his way and Dr. Doolittle wants me to drop everything and study my dog’s ass?  I believe my reply was something like this:

“Hmmm, interesting idea.  Or, how ’bout this.  Why don’t I bring him to YOU and you all can watch him for the next 24 hours while I wrap presents and bake cookies.  It is five days before Christmas!  I have more important things to do than wait for this asshole, pardon the pun, to poop out my Martha Stewart Homemade Christmas Garland.  I’ll see you in five minutes.”  

Lord, I know that sounds very insensitive, but seriously, I didn’t ask that dog to eat the string and I shouldn’t have to be held hostage by his butt hole five days before Christmas while we wait to see if he is gonna live or die.  That is not the Norman Rockwell painting I envisioned when we adopted this dickwad from the Humane Society.  

Long story short, we got our Christmas Miracle that year.  The dog passed the garland: thread, needle, and all. He didn’t die.  And that was a “Good Thing.”

In summary:

Microwave Popcorn:  $2.49

Upholstery Thread: $0.99

Sewing Needles: $0.49

Vet Exam and Radiographs: $128

Not having to study my dogs ass or tell the kids that the bastard died 5 days before Christmas: Priceless.

Honey, have you seen the toothpaste?

  

Two of my children are kleptomaniacs.  The five year old is definitely going to be looking at five-to-ten at some point in her life, no question.  She steals and she lies about it without even a glimmer of remorse: double whammy.  But that is a topic for another day.  It is the 16 month old, “D,” that has my panties in a wad today.  He and my black lab are in cahoots.  D likes to steal things and give them to Dog for oral pleasure. Dog is sneaky and fast.  I think he signals D when I’m not looking (or have had too much wine), and D grabs the loot and runs as fast as his chubby little legs can carry him.  Then he hands off the goods to the dog and the dog disappears for a while.  Like seasoned criminals, they never divvy up the score at the scene of the crime…D usually meets up with Dog later and always gets the smaller share as Dog usually ingests a good portion by the time D arrives at the designated hideaway.  Some of the hot items successfully moved, stripped, and “repurposed”  in our home include cell phones, credit cards, remote controls (a crime-team favorite), and personal hygiene products.

The latest item to fall prey to this insidious crime ring is the kids’ tube of toothpaste.  It was missing for a good day and a half, and I was losing my mind trying to find it.  The two older kids went on a brushing strike and moaned that being forced to brush with mommy’s mint flavored toothpaste or plain baking soda was blatant child abuse and grounds for DSS intervention.  Finally, after trailing Dog back to his hideout on an undercover stake-out, I found the remains of the missing toothpaste: under my bed, shamelessly chewed to pieces. Tom’s of Maine Outrageous Orange-Mango is not easy to come by here in suburban hell and it is a long, congested drive to the health food store.  But luckily for my kids, I am very handy, frugal, environmentally conscious, and a bit of a sloth.  Would you believe I’ve been able to get two more days of toothpaste out of this tube?!  Of course, oldest son is horrified that I am poisoning him with dog germs, but fortunately klepto-girl doesn’t seem to mind the dog hair (which is good, because I’m guessing hairy toothpaste is probably standard issue in the joint).  They both agree that even dog slobber and hair is a step up from mint or baking soda.  I guess I’ll make a trip to the store today and stock up for the future, since Dog clearly has a taste for Outrageous Orange-Mango.  I just have to find the car keys….and the baby.