Hope Springs Eternal.

Yes we can, and yes we did.

It’s the dawning of a new day here in America.  I must say, I’m a bit dehydrated from all the tears of joy I shed on my couch last night, watching Obama’s victory speech. Surely that man was born in a manger.

I must admit, I was a little nervous all day remembering some of the ugly antics of the 2000 election… the hanging chads, the voter fraud, the thousands of democrats who were prevented from voting. Especially now that our voting system is so highly computerized, I definitely had moments of doubt yesterday that even if we turned out in record numbers, some corrupt hacker would find a way to manipulate the system and another election would be stolen from our hands. I’m so relieved that we were able to ”Barack The Vote” with such fortitude and win this thing beyond a shadow of a doubt. We did it. Oh yes we did.   

Even though I’m a big fan of “The Secret” and spent the last few weeks visualizing an Obama victory, I did have moments of doubt, I’m ashamed to say. When I heard the soccer moms at my bus stop identifying with Sarah Palin and trusting John McCain, the doubt started to creep in. And when my kids came home from school asking me questions like, “Mom? What do you have against John McCain? All the other kids’ parents are voting for him!” I worried. And when one of my own family members sent me a racist email of Obama shining Palin’s shoes, I definitely had my doubts that Americans could look past the color of his skin and choose Obama for the content of his character.  

And when my friend and I dressed up for Halloween like Sarah Palin and her unwed pregnant teen daughter Bristol Palin, and the people in my neighborhood totally DIDN’T GET THE JOKE, I was definitely a little afraid.

Nor did my neighbors think training a toy rifle on my wolf-children while pageant posing and winking was very tasteful or funny, but I’m kinda used to that reaction.

So even though I live in a red state and have been listening to people spew hatred about my candidate for months, today I am vindicated. Yes, today, I feel redemption, belonging, and pride in my country. Hope springs eternal.  

In fact, I am completely filled with a sense of optimism today. Like it’s spring cleaning time. Out with the old, in with the new! And to piggyback on all this hope and joy, I’m going to do a little deep cleaning myself today. 

I think I’ll start with my colon. You heard me. I’m going to eliminate the toxins from my body, just like we are about to rid our nation of the toxic Bush regime. Like Former Secretary of State Colin Powell broke with his party and endorsed Sen. Barack Obama, I’m going to take an extra big dose of my bulk-forming laxative today and get ready for a nice “clean break” myself on the old Thomas Crapper tomorrow.  ”He has both style and substance. I think he is a transformational figure,” Powell said on NBC’s Meet the Press recently. Yep. Agreed. I’ll tell you what else has style, substance, and can be transformational… a nice healthy dump. Oh yes I did.  

But I won’t stop there. I’m going to drink at least 8 glasses of water today. Water is also transformational, just like the baptismal waters that cleanse people of sin so they can be born again. Our nation desperately needs a rebirth! Barack Obama will be like the spring rain that washes away the dirty gray slush and helps the flowers to grow. He’ll be walking into a filthy quagmire come January, but I have faith that he will assemble the best team to clean up the heinous mess that Bush is leaving behind. It might take a while… big messes usually do. But we can do it. Yes we can.  

And I might even slap on one of those Biore Pore Cleansing strips today, to pull the blackheads out of my pores the way I hope Obama will pull our soldiers out of Iraq and bring them home. 

Maybe I’ll use some Crest Whiting Strips to remove the dull film of coffee and wine stains from my teeth like the way Obama will clean up the tarnished reputation our nation has earned around the globe thanks to Bush/Cheney and their redneck “country first” mentality. It’s amazing how much better people are received by others when their teeth are clean, isn’t it? Elitist, I know. Sue me.

And you know what? Maybe I’ll even take a shower today. Or maybe not. But I like having the choice on what to do with my body and I feel confident that Barack Obama and Joe Biden will preserve my rights to make those choices.

If I do choose to take a shower, I’ll definitely use some Magic Cream on the undercarriage. You know, strip away the extra layers of pork, if you will. 

Wow, sounds like a busy morning I’ve got ahead of me. I better get crackin’! Good thing I’m feeling so energetic and optimistic. Hope is a powerful drug. HOPE. It’s legal, free, and has no adverse side effects. I could get used to this! Thank you America!

© 2008 The Bearded Iris 

Show Me the Money

If yesterday’s Wall Street blood bath has your panties all in a wad, don’t panic.  This does is not a “run on the Savings and Loan.”  Please leave George Bailey and his new bride alone.  They deserve that honeymoon and should not be harangued by you and your general anxiety disorder.  Just sit back and relax, honey. Iris has some unconventional financial tips that can bring your blood pressure down and please your partner all in one fell swoop.  

1.  Take it from me (and Suze Orman) that a coffee can is NOT the place to stick your money.  Yes, it is always a good idea to have a wad of small bills around in case of emergencies, or for playing “stripper” with your man on special occasions…like Tuesdays, but the majority of your money should remain in FDIC insured accounts.  Don’t be a Chicken Little.  This is not the time to lose your head and do stupid things.  In fact…I’m no expert on this, but I’m thinking now would probably be a good time to BUY BUY BUY.  It is like a fire sale on Wall Street today.  Have at it!

2.  Quit your gym membership.  Have more sex.  It is fun and mostly free.  If you do it correctly and often enough, you can improve flexibility and burn lots of fat.  Plus, you can do it in the privacy of your own home (although outside of the home can be fun too) and you don’t need any special apparatus or matchy-matchy outfits.  Wait, I take that last part back.

3.  Stop buying and wearing panties.  You’ll never have those pesky VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) and you’ll cut down on your laundry, which is also a very hip and “green” thing right now.  Let it breathe…it will thank you later.  See also: tip # 2 above.  No panties = easy access.  

4.  Don’t eat so much.  Think of all the cashola you’ll save at the grocery store!  Plus, you’ll have fewer calories to burn so you won’t need to work out so much.  Once you lose some weight, you’ll feel better about yourself too and can stop spending all that money on therapy and antidepressants.  And you’ll feel sexier, which will make you want to shag even more.  It is a self-perpetuating cycle of thriftiness.  This is a win-win-win solution, people, and it goes hand in hand with tip # 2.  Try it.  

5.  Save money on prescription drugs by stealing them from your friends.  

6.  Set up as many automatic payments as possible with your online banking service.  You’ll save oodles of green on late payment fees and imagine all the extra time you’ll have for things like, oh I don’t know, sex and illegally obtained prescription drugs.  

7.  Don’t pay for things you can get for free like movies, music, cable TV, and sex.  Be creative.    

8.  Get rid of your phones.  Everyone has a cell phone these days…just borrow one from a friend when you need it.  Borrowing a phone today is the equivalent to asking for the time, or bumming a smoke, or using someone else’s toothbrush on a one night stand…no big deal.  People really don’t mind.  

9.  Cut back on the number of extra-curricular activities you force on your over-scheduled children.  In addition to the monthly tuition payments you won’t have to shell out for music lessons, sports teams, tutoring, foreign language immersion classes, and horseback riding clinics, you’ll save on gas and the future psychiatric treatment that your children are most certainly going to require.  

10.  Quit contributing when they pass the basket at church.  If you are embarrassed, do what I do and just stick an empty envelope in there every week.  That way, the judgmental holy rollers in your pew will still think you’re a big spender, but you can use that money toward something more practical, like organic milk or push up bras.  

11.  Be open minded.  A box of wine is economical and better for the environment.  And after the first couple of glasses, the taste really grows on you.  

In conclusion, you don’t have to be a financial wizard to save a little money, just a teensy bit of creativity and a pathological lack of shame.  Oh, and don’t forget to vote Obama.  Who do you think got us into this mess?  Hmmm, let’s see, could it be?  The Republicans?  Oh yes, that is ringing a bell.  Just say no to 4 more years of this shit.  Please.  I beg of you.  Now put your computer away and go shag someone.  Listen to Iris, sugar, and make love, not war.

 

Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. ~S.W. Straus