Panic Room

Well by now you all know that yesterday was the largest one-day Dow Jones point drop in history (-778 points).  Folks, don’t kid yourselves, this is not just a Wall Street issue anymore. The defeat of the bailout bill is a big deal and it is already hurting John and Jane Q. Public. Without some kind of a financial rescue plan moving forward, our nation’s credit market collapse is much more likely to snowball into a full-frontal economic crisis of global proportions. On paper yesterday, investors lost a total of $1.2 TRILLION. It is sickening. Whatever you do, don’t look at your online brokerage statements unless you have a big bottle of Tums in your hand.

I’ve been glued to the TV about this and everyone is saying the same damn thing: “Don’t panic.” But I gotta tell ya, a little bit of panic isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Most of us are so complacent today. We are surrounded by convenience, 24/7.  ATMs, wireless networks, microwavable popcorn, On-Demand TV.  A looming global economic catastrophe is just the motivator I need to get off my lazy ass and get my family prepared for tougher times, just in case.  And I am here to suggest that you do the same.  

Look, this isn’t going to be another Great Depression like what followed the stock market crash of 1929. Back then, we didn’t have the FDIC or such rapid access to information. However, the credit crunch is here to stay for a while (Suze Orman predicts until 2015!).  If you don’t have credit, don’t expect to get it now. And if you do have credit, expect your limits to drop and your fees to rise. We can no longer continue to live beyond our means and just “Charge it! Charge it! Charge it!” like Wilma Flintstone on a maniacal neolithic shopping spree.

So I say, yes, panic (a little)!  This is a great time to get your ducks in a row just in case things get worse before they get better. With that being said, I would like to share with you my best ideas to help you harness your fears and prepare for the worst like the good little Boy and Girl Scouts that we all want to be.  After all, it is “Just the Tip Tuesday” and I am a woman of my word. So let’s get to it. 

Iris’s Top Tens Ways to Survive a Global Economic Crisis:

1.) Buy a fireproof safe and fill it with as much cash as you can hoard. With declining access to credit, cash will be king. My good friend John is a firefighter in California, and no stranger to natural disasters or looting. He tells me that we should all have plenty of small bills stashed away. When the shit hits the fan, don’t expect people to make change. Ones and fives are best. 

2.) Stock up on canned goods (and make sure you have a manual can opener, duh). Don’t forget about plenty of water, powdered milk, powdered eggs, peanut butter, dog food, tampons, dried fruit, beef jerkey, rice, and iodine. Think “Survivor.” You want high protein and high fat non-perishable foods stockpiled just in case.  At least a week’s worth, I would say. The supply chain is a fragile thing…with gas and credit shortages, there could certainly be fewer deliveries to stores. I can’t even walk to the local grocery store from my suburban paradise. If things get ugly, I want to be able to feed my babies, ya’ll.  

3.) Learn Morse Code. When the infrastructure collapses and there is no other way to communicate with others, you’ll be glad that you can tap out a message to your neighbors or cell mates.  

4.) Get your house in order.  Stay home and clean out your garage. When the rioting starts, you definitely want to be able to park both of your SUVs behind the safety of closed doors.

5.) Organize your photos and keepsakes. Pare these down to only the favorites you can grab and run with if you need to evacuate in a hurry.

6.) Share with people who are worse off than you. I’m a Democrat. We care about others and we don’t mind sharing…even with people who haven’t pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. Food Banks are in crisis right now. Donations are down; needs are up. People are so desperate that Food Banks are being robbed. Pathetic. Don’t be a greedy bastard…that is how our nation got here in the first place.  Sheesh. 

7.) Buy a gun and plenty of bullets. If you are the only prepared person in your subdivision, you might wind up staring at a hungry mob one day. Make sure you can defend your family and protect your stash. And buy a locking gun safe – don’t be an asshole. You may have the right to bear arms, but you don’t have the right to allow your gun to get into the wrong hands. Once you are armed and dangerous, make sure you take some lessons and practice at a shooting range so you don’t blow your foot off…or mine.  

8.) Stock up on cartons of cigarrettes.  Even if you don’t smoke, you can use them as bargaining chips with looters and gang members.

9.) Buy lots of duct tape. You never know.

10.) Spay and Neuter your pets and husband. The last thing you need right now are more mouths to feed. Nip that action in the bud…literally.

Well good luck ya’ll. I hope some of these tips can help you get your shit together. Tune in again next week for more hot “Just the Tip Tuesday” advice. Until then, I’ll be seeing you in line at the gas stations! And hey, you in the green Ford Taurus with the “Principal Pal” sticker? I saw that obscene hand gesture today and I do not appreciate it. Seriously! WWJD? Beeotch.

Show Me the Money

If yesterday’s Wall Street blood bath has your panties all in a wad, don’t panic.  This does is not a “run on the Savings and Loan.”  Please leave George Bailey and his new bride alone.  They deserve that honeymoon and should not be harangued by you and your general anxiety disorder.  Just sit back and relax, honey. Iris has some unconventional financial tips that can bring your blood pressure down and please your partner all in one fell swoop.  

1.  Take it from me (and Suze Orman) that a coffee can is NOT the place to stick your money.  Yes, it is always a good idea to have a wad of small bills around in case of emergencies, or for playing “stripper” with your man on special occasions…like Tuesdays, but the majority of your money should remain in FDIC insured accounts.  Don’t be a Chicken Little.  This is not the time to lose your head and do stupid things.  In fact…I’m no expert on this, but I’m thinking now would probably be a good time to BUY BUY BUY.  It is like a fire sale on Wall Street today.  Have at it!

2.  Quit your gym membership.  Have more sex.  It is fun and mostly free.  If you do it correctly and often enough, you can improve flexibility and burn lots of fat.  Plus, you can do it in the privacy of your own home (although outside of the home can be fun too) and you don’t need any special apparatus or matchy-matchy outfits.  Wait, I take that last part back.

3.  Stop buying and wearing panties.  You’ll never have those pesky VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) and you’ll cut down on your laundry, which is also a very hip and “green” thing right now.  Let it breathe…it will thank you later.  See also: tip # 2 above.  No panties = easy access.  

4.  Don’t eat so much.  Think of all the cashola you’ll save at the grocery store!  Plus, you’ll have fewer calories to burn so you won’t need to work out so much.  Once you lose some weight, you’ll feel better about yourself too and can stop spending all that money on therapy and antidepressants.  And you’ll feel sexier, which will make you want to shag even more.  It is a self-perpetuating cycle of thriftiness.  This is a win-win-win solution, people, and it goes hand in hand with tip # 2.  Try it.  

5.  Save money on prescription drugs by stealing them from your friends.  

6.  Set up as many automatic payments as possible with your online banking service.  You’ll save oodles of green on late payment fees and imagine all the extra time you’ll have for things like, oh I don’t know, sex and illegally obtained prescription drugs.  

7.  Don’t pay for things you can get for free like movies, music, cable TV, and sex.  Be creative.    

8.  Get rid of your phones.  Everyone has a cell phone these days…just borrow one from a friend when you need it.  Borrowing a phone today is the equivalent to asking for the time, or bumming a smoke, or using someone else’s toothbrush on a one night stand…no big deal.  People really don’t mind.  

9.  Cut back on the number of extra-curricular activities you force on your over-scheduled children.  In addition to the monthly tuition payments you won’t have to shell out for music lessons, sports teams, tutoring, foreign language immersion classes, and horseback riding clinics, you’ll save on gas and the future psychiatric treatment that your children are most certainly going to require.  

10.  Quit contributing when they pass the basket at church.  If you are embarrassed, do what I do and just stick an empty envelope in there every week.  That way, the judgmental holy rollers in your pew will still think you’re a big spender, but you can use that money toward something more practical, like organic milk or push up bras.  

11.  Be open minded.  A box of wine is economical and better for the environment.  And after the first couple of glasses, the taste really grows on you.  

In conclusion, you don’t have to be a financial wizard to save a little money, just a teensy bit of creativity and a pathological lack of shame.  Oh, and don’t forget to vote Obama.  Who do you think got us into this mess?  Hmmm, let’s see, could it be?  The Republicans?  Oh yes, that is ringing a bell.  Just say no to 4 more years of this shit.  Please.  I beg of you.  Now put your computer away and go shag someone.  Listen to Iris, sugar, and make love, not war.

 

Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. ~S.W. Straus