Blowin’ the Stink Off

I’ve had a bad case of the winter blues the past few days. Not only has it been cold and rainy and gray here in North Georgia, but something about taking down the Christmas decorations and opening up those post-holiday credit card bills just sucks the will to live right outta me. 

Not only that, but my dear friend Patty just lost her mother to a 22-month battle with pancreatic cancer. Yesterday was the visitation and service and it was just heartbreaking. The service was beautiful though – a true celebration of a wonderful life well-lived. 

I haven’t been to many funerals in my life, kinehora (ya’ll, that is Yiddish for “knock on wood”), but going to one always scrambles my eggs for a few days, and not in a good way. Especially if it is an open casket. Lawd. That always shakes me to the core. Those standardized tests in high school that told me I would be a good mortician were just flat out wrong. 

Coming to grips with our mortality is just hard. Plain and simple. But a good funeral can be just the ticket to get you off your ass and get you on the road to a better life. 

My friend Patty handled her Mom’s passing with such dignity, grace, and love. It was truly an honor to witness. The four grandchildren all made special treasures to place in the casket with her – painted rocks and a signed baseball. Patty even did her Mom’s makeup and hair that morning, herself, because she knew exactly how her Mama would want to look. She was laid to rest in a gorgeous white nightie that she had chosen herself when she knew her time was near. I was just blown away by the love and loss of this great lady. 

It was a very emotionally draining day. But it made me want to come home and live the fullest life I can carve out for myself… to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, and parishioner. Made me feel grateful for the healthy life I’ve lived so far and made me want to take steps to ensure that I can stay healthy in the years to come. And it made me want to stop watching Bret Michael’s Rock of Love Bus on Sunday nights on VH1. Seeing 20 slutty silicone-augmented women fight over an aging has-been rock star is just not contributing one iota to my goals for leading a fuller life… even if the episode where that skank stuck a shot glass in her vajayjay and then was (surprisingly) not invited to continue on the tour was mildly entertaining in a “I-just-saw-a-train-wreck-and-can’t-avert-my-eyes-from-the-carnage-lying-next-to-the-tracks” kind of way. Ewwww. 

So, yeah. I need to make some changes ’round here if I’m going to break out of this winter funk and live a fuller life.

And that brings me to my tip for the day. It is Tuesday after all and you know I love to share simple advice for better living in my semi-regular “Just the Tip Tuesday” columns. 

My advice today is to go outside and “blow the stink off.” That is what one of my favorite Aunties likes to call the simple act of taking a walk. If you just go outside and take a walk, it is amazing how much better you will feel. It clears your head, gets your heart pumping, releases those feel-good endorphins that help you to keep on keeping-on. It’s all good. 

I just got back from blowing the stink off with Bucket Head and I tell you what, I feel like a million pesos… which is much better than I felt an hour ago. It’s a journey… we’ll work up to a million dollars. One stink at a time.

Grab and Go

Ya’ll, I’m busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest today, what with all the holiday Room Mom requirements, and Thanksgiving cleanup, and the fact that if I don’t grocery shop my family will surely starve to death. 

But it is Tuesday. And you know that when I’m not busy trying to keep my children alive, I like to share practical tips you can use in your own homes to make your lives all that much better than mine.  It’s a little thing I call “Just the Tip Tuesday.” Catchy, don’t you think?

So here’s my tip:

Don’t you just hate when you are trying to leave a place and your kids dig in their heels and say “Hell no – we won’t go!” And meanwhile, your hands are totally full with a diaper bag and a poopy diaper that you need to toss and your cell phone and your purse and a Tupperware container full of the leftovers that your Mother-in-Law insists you take with you? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Next time you get some attitude from a stubborn child and don’t feel like investing any more of your precious energy verbally enticing them to get in the damn car already, transfer all your stuff to one arm. Then, without warning, silently walk up behind them, grab the back of their overalls, pick ‘em up, and just start walking. Like so:

 

Now before you call Social Services, I’ll have you know that no toddlers were harmed in this process. First of all, his diaper was probably totally saturated with urine, making it a very fluffy cushion for his goody basket. Secondly, he was so surprised by the maneuver that he said “WHEEEE!” I know, I know, not exactly the negative consequence needed to teach a life lesson. But sometimes a mama’s gotta do what a mama’s gotta do. The point is, this move shuts ‘em up and gets ‘em out. Then, when you get home, you can sit them down for a little “Come to Jesus” talk and let them know that if you ever, I mean EVER, have to physically extricate them from a social situation again, it will be the last party they ever attend. To which they will certainly smile and giggle and say something like “Mommy. More. Kiss.” and totally miss the point and melt your heart all in one fell swoop. 

But still. It’s a good move to try when your last nerve is on the verge of being severed in public. Now this is important… there are several key ingredients to being able to pull this off:

1.) Always dress your toddler in overalls when you are going somewhere that you suspect might be difficult for them to leave peacefully. A t-shirt just won’t cut it. You’ll rip the shirt and/or choke the child. Not OK. Also, these are little humans, not cats, so don’t just grab ‘em by the nape of the neck or someone really will take your children away, and that is never good.  

2.) Have an escape route mapped out. This move works best when you remember where you parked the mini-van and can get there without having to stand in line at a Chuck-E-Cheese security checkpoint apologizing to the other parents. 

3.) Make sure you are in decent physical condition before you attempt this move. Arm strength is important here, but the actual lifting should always be done with your legs. Trust me, nothing says “the party is over” like a toddler with a concussion and a frazzled Mom flat on her pimped-out-pooper with a back spasm from hell. Or so I hear. 

So yeah. Parenting. It’s not for pussies. Give this tip a shot the next time you need an emergency escape plan, and remember, you heard it here first. Giddee-up! 

©2008 The Bearded Iris

Just Vote.

Howdy ya’ll! It’s “Just the Tip Tuesday” again and it also happens to be Election Day here in America. Schools are closed…I’m guessing that is so teachers can vote and schools can be used as polling places, because surely people know having a houseful of kids is a major barrier to getting to the polls. I have actually voted in the past with a litter of babies clinging to my legs like velcro-coated anvils… it makes voting a little bit of a challenge, to say the least, but whatever. You do what you have to do. Besides, I’m a sucker for democracy and I love the chance to set a good example for my kids (which doesn’t happen all that often around here).

But for an election as important as this one, I sure am glad my husband and I voted weeks ago on a day when the kids were in school and we were having a grown-up day all to ourselves! Given my proclivity for procrastination and responsibility avoidance in general, I didn’t want to risk waking up today to sick kids, a flat tire, a tornado warning, and my parole officer camped out in my driveway. Kidding. I completed my community service a long time ago. You get the point though. Early voting is definitely the way to go if you can – no lines, no clingy kids, and lots of peace of mind. 

So that’s my tip today: vote.  Just vote. Vote early if you can, but if you didn’t, or couldn’t, or wouldn’t, just vote. Vote and be grateful that you live in a society where your vote is encouraged and counted. If you are a woman, vote and be grateful that there were women like Susan B. Anthony who were courageous enough to fight for the rights we have today. If you are a person of color, vote and be grateful for the changes we’ve seen in our country. We have a long way to go, but today let’s focus on the positive. Vote and be grateful for the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments to the Constitution which establish citizenship and protect rights, regardless of race. No matter what your gender, or color, or political affiliation, vote and be grateful. 

Just vote. Vote and be grateful that you have CHOICES. I recently learned from one of my readers in Australia that voting there is mandatory and resented by many. They don’t have the choice to vote. They are required to do it and as a result, some people show up and turn in a blank ballot as a way of “sticking it to the man.” I can’t even imagine throwing away a vote like that, but I can appreciate how being forced to do something could feel equally offensive. Sure makes me appreciate the choices we have here in America.   

I have heard a number of people say that they are not voting this year because they don’t like either of the main candidates. This baffles my mind. If you go into an ice cream store and don’t like the two flavors, do you not have ice cream? Really? Are you kidding me? I would totally eat that ice cream even if I didn’t love the flavors. I just like ice cream. Kinda like I just really enjoy living in a democracy and having choices. 

So just vote. This is not a time to be apathetic or afraid. You have a choice. You have a voice. Make the effort and let it be heard. 

And just in case you were wondering about my vote… 

© 2008 The Bearded Iris

How to Have a Green, Lean, Mean Halloween

Halloween is in the air and there is a growing trend in the land of Über-Mommies to NOT give out candy to Trick-or-Treaters. You know…all the cavity-causing sugar, the Red Dye #40 that ignites kiddies like roman candles, the artificial ingredients, the risk of cross-contamination from nuts and nut products, the razor blades, and so on. I get it.  Just one lap at the local WalMart and I see that there are equal numbers of non-food items for sale as Halloween Treats as there are “fun size” candies. Some popular choices this year are individual sized Play-Doh containers in Halloween colors, plastic spider rings and bracelets, Halloween Pencils, Hannah Montana temporary tattoos for tramps-in-training, and plastic glow-in-the-dark vampire fangs. So sure, we have options. We don’t HAVE to distribute candy to the little ghouls and goblins on Friday night.  

However, in addition to not wanting to buy and distribute candy, there is also a growing trend among some of the more conscientious parents I know to not buy into the whole consumerism thing. Do we really need to spend money right now, with the economy as it is, on CRAPPY PLASTIC TOYS that will just clutter other people’s homes, become a choking hazard to some unsuspecting infant, and possibly poison some poor kid with a lead-infused-made-in-China-petroleum-derived-piece-of-shit that will surely end up NOT decomposing in a landfill once the overwhelmed parent gets around to finally tossing it out after stepping on it three times in her bare feet and screaming “FUCK! FUCK! FUCKITY-FUCK!” in front of her 80 year old in-laws?  (Hypothetically speaking, of course). No. No we don’t.  

I propose another option.  And since it is “Just the Tip Tuesday,” I will gladly share my rockin’ idea with you. I’m a giver, ya’ll. Tell your friends.  

Listen honey, this idea is a winner! I’m so excited to tell you that there is indeed a way to be “green,” economical, practical, and safe this Halloween, that I think I just peed my pants a little! (Note to self: increase the Kegel repetitions).    

It is so simple… you are gonna kick yourself for not thinking of it! Just take 20 minutes and run through your house with a garbage bag. Look for any unappreciated toys, tchotchkes, and unused individually wrapped cleaning, self-care, or food samples that you can recycle as Halloween treats.  Clutter comes in so many forms in my home… how about yours? Especially the kid clutter. Lordy! I’m thinking Happy Meal toys, rogue Legos, anything that came home in a birthday party crap goodie bag, carnival prizes, etc.  Here is a picture of some of the kid clutter I was able to gather in just a few minutes.  

Now this is important: do NOT ask your kids to help you gather, and in fact, don’t even do it while they are around… kids are notoriously clingy to those awful Happy Meal Toys. Also, once you assemble your stash, keep it hidden from the ankle biters or you will open yourself up to a world of whining, fighting, and/or stealing. OH! Lookie here, even as I was taking these pictures, a little hand was sneakin’ in to reclaim some of the booty.  

Hold it right there, bub.

 

Don’t forget to check the pantry! This is a great way to get rid of the individual soy sauce packets cluttering up your drawers. And how about those fancy dip mixes, water crackers, and jams that you got in a holiday gift-basket so long ago and never seem to use?  Ooooh, individually wrapped tea bags! The possibilities are endless.  

But why stop there? Why not freecycle all those extra (unused) toothbrushes and individually wrapped flossers from dentist visits, detergent samples, hair product samples, etc.? Out out out! Share the wealth!

I suggest breaking up the loot into age-appropriate baskets.  You personally might not want to distribute left over pre-vasectomy condoms to kindergarteners. (Although, if they are dressed up like my neighbor’s kid was last year… maybe a condom or two isn’t such a bad idea. Lord have mercy!)

 

 

Likewise, the stoned teenagers who show up without a costume after your porch light is off are not going to appreciate gently-used Shrek and Princess Fiona action figures. They will most certainly dig a free condom or sample size of KY Warming Gel, however.  And hey, if you can avoid having your house egged or TP’d, by all means, be strategic with your treat distribution.

So have at it, ya’ll. Reduce your clutter, save the planet, and hoard your cash this Halloween. Your kids might miss some of those Happy Meal toys and think you are one mean ol’ bitch of a Mommy for a couple of days; and hey, the neighbors might have even more to say about you than they usually do, but think of the serenity you’ll gain eliminating clutter and reducing your carbon footprint? And with the money you’ll save you can hire professional window washers to remove the egg shells and soap! Try it. You’ll be glad you did, or my name isn’t Iris M. Beard. 

© 2008 The Bearded Iris

An Appletini a Day…

As promised, every Tuesday (or sometimes Wednesday if I didn’t get to it), The Bearded Iris delivers practical tips you can use to improve your home life. Since in my home a buzzed Mommy = a happy Mommy, and when Mommy is happy, EVERYBODY’S happy, this installment of “Just the Tip Tuesday” is all about my new favorite cocktail: The Apple Martini, aka Appletini.  

If you have never had one of these, drop everything and get your ass to the liquor store. These babies are light, refreshing, sweet, tart, and they pack a wallop of a punch. A couple of these and you’ll be as happy as a June Bug in a Purple Plum Tree. Seriously. In fact, I’m nothing if not a thorough researcher, and I just read that the smell of Granny Smith apples enhances endorphin levels, increases libido, and acts as a natural antidepressant. How ’bout them apples?! And shoot, if I can get my apple-a-day through an alcoholic beverage, all the better. 

The first time I had one of these, well actually, four of these, I was at a wedding last summer in New York. Now, weddings make me feel pretty, um, affectionate, anyway.  You know, all the love, and hope, and cocktail weenies, and free booze.  But this wedding was extra special. Those four Appletinis just rocked my world….and in exchange, I rocked my husband’s world the whole way down the New Jersey Turnpike on our way home.  OK, maybe not the whole way. I did pass out for most of that drive, as I recall.  It was a little fuzzy. Oh wait. Yes, now I remember…my head was in his lap, and it really WAS a little fuzzy.  Actually, very fuzzy.  Dude, one word: manscaping. Google it.

Anyhooo, for research purposes, I decided to interview an expert on alcoholic beverages: my cousin Michael in Pittsburgh. Aside from being one of my favorite people on the planet, he is also a very skilled bartender and restaurant manager. This dude knows his drinks.  And he is one classy fucker too (and I know classy). Not only did Michael give me a crash course in mixology over the phone, but he also schooled me in the fine art of cocktail garnishing.   

Huh? Garnishing?

I know. That is what I said too. I mean really, I could eat cold beans out of a can (and frequently do). Clearly, I am not the type to go the extra mile for anything. But what my wise cousin Michael helped me to see through his expert tutelage is that, as with most things in life, presentation is everything. To heighten any experience, incorporate as many senses as you can: smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound.

Specifically, when entertaining, go the extra mile. Think, WWMD? (What would Martha do?) For the perfect Appletini, don’t just pour some nasty apple flavored rock-gut booze into a plastic cup! Do it right. Choose a nice martini glass – made of real glass. Decorate it with drizzled caramel and a thin round slice of a fresh, crisp Granny Smith apple. Let your guests hear you shake the icy concoction, and then see you pour the cocktail from your fancy shaker into their tricked out glass, while they inhale the fresh scent of sour apples as the vapors waft toward their watering mouths. Gawd, that sounds good, doesn’t it?  And really, this is true for food, drinks, or dates. Make whatever you’re serving as appetizing to as many senses as possible, and you will exponentially increase the satisfaction you and your guests (or partners) receive. (See The Bearded Iris’s posts on bikini waxing.)   

Michael hooked me up with two recipes, which I’ll include at the bottom of this post. The first is the basic one…only two ingredients which are readily available at any liquor store. The second recipe is the fancier version.  Michael cautioned me that the ingredients for the fancy one aren’t always easy to find.  I tried both recipes (numerous times), and I find them equally delicious. So go with whatever ingredients you can find. Definitely garnish though. Always garnish. At least for the first round.  

Garnishing Your Appletini (that sounds so dirty, doesn’t it?!)

You only need two things to properly garnish an Appletini.  First, you need some caramel sauce.  I wasn’t sure which kind was best, so I got a bunch and tried them all. Research, you know.  

 

The Smucker’s Magic Shell was gross. Don’t get that. The Smucker’s Caramel Flavored Sundae Syrup was just OK.  Sure, the flip top spout is easy to use, and I didn’t have to dirty a spoon, which was nice, but it was just flavored syrup…not the real deal. Kinda thin and runny too. Save that one for the boudoir or to flavor your coffee. Personally, I preferred the Hershey’s® Caramel Topping. It is delicious; made from real nonfat milk, sugar, and the ubiquitous high fructose corn syrup. And it comes in a real glass jar so you can wash it out and reuse it for things like to-go cups or salad dressing shakers. Love Your Mother, yo.   

So, get yourself some real caramel sauce and drizzle it into your martini glasses like this:

Isn’t that purty?  Damn. Look at the sun glistening on that clean glass. Can’t you almost just taste that sweet sticky caramel? But wait, there’s more! Next, mix up your Appletini.   

Appletini Recipes

Here is the basic Appletini recipe. It is simple and delicious.   

• Ketel One® Vodka (or any high end brand….but DO NOT buy flavored vodka) 
• DeKuyper® Pucker® Sour Apple Schnapps Liqueur

Pour two parts Apple Pucker and one part vodka over ice into a cocktail shaker, shake your groove thang, then strain into caramel garnished glass. Add apple wheel. Drink. Repeat.  

Here is my Cousin Michael’s Top Shelf Appletini recipe. It is a little more sophisticated, not as sweet.  

• Ketel One® Vodka
• Berentzen® Apfel Korn (Apple Schnapps Liqueur)
• DeKuyper® Apple Schnapps (NOT Pucker….I couldn’t find this, so I substituted Granny’s Sour Apple Schnapps)

Pour equal parts of all three over ice into a cocktail shaker, do the hokey pokey, then strain into garnished glass. Add apple wheel. Drink. Repeat. Don’t drive. And always tip your bartenders and servers generously.  

Now don’t forget, you have to garnish. Don’t be lazy. And really, don’t worry about the extra carbs and calories from the caramel in your glass…you’ll burn those off later with all the sweaty sex.  I guaran-damn-tee it.  

One more tip: Michael told me that it can be a real pain in the ass to clean the caramel off the inside of the martini glasses.  Clearly he is not hanging out with the right kind of bitches…

(Note to self: make appointment for electrolysis, pronto.)

This post is property of The Bearded Iris©.  Content Copyrighted.  

Just the Tip

Many of my readers have been asking me for parenting and housekeeping tips, since I clearly know a thing or two about both.  So to keep ya’ll happy, I am instituting a new regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Just the Tip Tuesday.”  From now on, every Tuesday, unless there is some kind of family or political emergency that needs to be addressed ‘a-sap,’ you can check here for some practical advice on everything from spouse management, to wrangling your nekkid toddler,  to do-it-yourself-exterminating.  I do it all. And usually in heels and a Wonder Bra.  

 

And since playing “Just the Tip” is probably how my sweet baby, Bucket Head, came to be, it is only fitting that my first “Just the Tip Tuesday” post be all about how I am managing his antibiotic schedule for the Double Ear Infection from Hell.  Have you ever been around an 18 month old with a double ear infection?  I believe I can best sum it up for you with a limerick (and thank you to Bernie B. for the inspiration!).  

There once was a baby in pain.
From shrieking he could not refrain.
His fever — extreme.
Now where’s my Jim Beam?
Vomiting sure leaves a stain.   

So yeah, I’m pretty sleep deprived right about now.  Hung over too.  

Alright.  Enough of my caterwaulin’.  Here is my hot parenting tip of the week: the key to antibiotics is consistency.  Lord knows I am not a fan of antibiotics.  They totally fuck with your digestive track, and everyone knows that a good daily dump is the secret to lifelong happiness.  But there are times, like when your sweet baby has a DOUBLE GOD DAMN EAR INFECTION, that you just don’t have a choice.  I don’t want this angel to suffer any more than he already does having me for a mama.  

Now, most of my life is just a hot, steamy mess.  I am not very organized.  (Who has time to tidy up when there is all this blogging to do?)  But I found out the hard way that if I don’t have a system in place to record medicine doses, I will forget to medicate my baby and then he won’t get better.  And that is how I came to invent my handy dandy Antibiotic Sticker Chart!  Here is what it looks like, for you visual people:

You will notice in my chart that there are 10 rows, one for each of the 10 days the little sicko will need to be medicated.  Each day has an AM and a PM sticker box.  Alls you do is give the child his dose of medication and then give yourself a sticker for being such a good parent!  Wooo-hooo!  It is that simple, honey.  Because I am such a giver, I’m gonna give you a copy for your own damn self.  Be right back. 

Shoot ya’ll, I don’t know a PDF from a PDQ.  Just make your own damn chart.  It is not that hard.  Truly.  

Look closely at this photo.  In addition to my kick-ass checklist, you’ll also notice a few alcoholic beverages. Please note, these are for the parent, not the sick child.  Trust me, a few libations can do wonders for pain management (again, for the pain of the adult, having to comfort the shrieking toddler all hours of the night, not for the pain of the infirm minor).  

In conclusion, keep lots of booze on hand, some stickers, and a medicine chart the next time you have a sick baby.  And remember, this too shall pass.  See you next week for another installment of “Just the Tip Tuesday!”  Please be sure to let me know if there are any particular topics you’d like to have covered in the upcoming weeks.  Thanks, ya’ll.