ApocaLIPS

I apologize in advance, but it appears to be Vagina Week here at The Bearded Iris.  Maybe it is because I’ve gone off my meds and my libido is inching its way back up to sea level, or perhaps it is a result of watching Senator McCain be interviewed by those pussies on The View that has put va-jay-jays on my brain. (Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg…shame on you!  You were way too easy on that loose cannon.)  If you are just joining us and want to get caught up on all the shop talk, check out my recent vagi-centric posts:

Shiny (9/17/08) – all about my Brazilian Bikini Wax from hell

Show Me the Money (9/16/08) – a sexy money saving primer

Sweaty Bitch (9/14/08) – my adventure with Bikram Yoga, in spite of my frequently noisy hoo-hoo

Sticky Situation (9/8/08) – a detailed account of my five year old daughter’s riveting journey into the land of “I have gum stuck to my vagina” land. 

Are you up to speed then?  OK, good.  Moving on.  

Truly, I’m not obsessed with my va-jay-jay, all evidence to the contrary.  But just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about my anatomy, I discover that there is a whole (hole) ‘nother world of muffin maintenance that I know nothing about.  Ya’ll are never gonna believe this.  Did you know there is a new thing called the Wonder Woman Makeover™?  No kidding. It is not what you think, though.  If you go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a Wonder Woman, you will not walk out looking like Linda Carter. In fact, you probably won’t be able to walk at all for a while.  ’Cause get this: the Wonder Woman Makeover™ is a makeover for your goodie basket!  And by goodie basket, I mean ALL the fun parts immediately above and below where you hang your Lasso of Truth.  And by Makeover, I don’t mean makeup and a fashion update, although that is always nice.  No, we are talking Nip/Tuck, people. Apparently you can get your tuna noodle casserole tightened back up as if you never even popped out a puppy or two.  My good friend Cassie believes this disturbing trend is surely a sign of the apocalypse.  When women spend this much time, money, and energy on their vaginas, especially given the current state of the world, it is probably a good time for all of us to get right with God and prepare for the hereafter.  

So let’s talk specifics.  Here is the basic definition of the Wonder Woman Makeover™: multiple consecutive surgeries that include laser vaginal rejuvenation, laser reduction labioplasty, liposculpturing with Brazilian Butt Augmentation, and breast augmentation. “Huh,” you say?  Let me say it in American for ya, honey: this is a tuna-tightening, rear-raising, cellulite-sucking, boob-building smorgasbord.  Everything from your pits to your knees will be made “good as new” with this dealy.  Just don’t expect it to be covered by health insurance…this kind of thing is rarely deemed medically necessary.  Of course, if men requested this sort of work, doctors would be offering it at the drive thru window, with nary a co-pay, but that is a different story.    

Now, for my female readers who are either not mothers or who have had the benefit of a scheduled C-Section and are still as tight as a drum down there, you might be wondering, what’s all this emphasis on vaginal rejuvenation?  I can answer this best with a Haiku:

My babies were big,

and now so is my pussy.

Is it in yet, Hon? 

Sigh….so tragic.  Look, here is my point.  My husband is not complaining.  Even if sex with me is like tossing a baseball bat into the garage, The Mister is usually just grateful that he’s getting a chance to put the recreational equipment away once in a while, if you know what I mean.  But truth be told, sure, it could be better.  A study conducted by the famous Masters and Johnson research team revealed that sexual pleasure is heightened by an increase in friction.  Well, that can be a bit of a problem for us natural Wonder Women. Once you’ve pushed out three nearly-ten-pound babies the old fashioned way, sex feels more like a Teflon-coated Olympic luge event than squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle. (man, is it ever fun to quote from the Bible when I’m talking about sex!) 

According to the surgeons who specialize in it, Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation® (LVR®) enhances vaginal muscle tone, strength, and control.  It decreases the internal and external vaginal diameters as well as builds up and strengthens the perineal body (the area immediately outside the vagina and above the anus). Well, isn’t that nice.  So something like this could help me stop peeing when I laugh? Hmmm. Very interesting. Go on.  

Yes, vaginal rejuvenation can improve bodily functions.  But for some women, going this route is purely an aesthetic thing.  They simply want a pretty one.  Well, excuse me for saying, but that sounds a little oxymoronic to me.  Like Jumbo Shrimp. Nondairy Creamer. Holy War. Wireless Cable. The Patriot Act.  Since I’ve never spent a lot of time gazing longingly at this part of my body, I wasn’t quite sure what a “pretty one” looks like.  But yowza!  Look what I found!  Thank you Al Gore for inventing the Internet. 

Ladies, feel free to print this diagram out and use it as a teaching tool for those men in your life who don’t quite grasp the traffic patterns down there. Never pleasant. So anyhooo, THAT is a pretty one, eh?  Shoot. My poor husband!  He could SO do better than me.  What?  Don’t believe me? Here is what MY hot pocket looks like:

 

And in certain light:

 

And when I’m not shouting from the rooftops to remind the American public that
McCain was a member of the infamous Keating Five in the nefarious savings and loan scandal that cost taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars, 
my pussy looks exactly like this:

 

 

Hey, don’t judge.  Remember, I’ve had three, count them THREE, very large babies.  My SMALLEST one was 8 lbs. 5 ounces and 22 inches long.  And I had an episiotomy with the first sack of potatoes that somewhat resembled the gutting of a fish.  Bygones.

OK, I get it.  This is a free country.  Whatever floats your boat, people.  Fine. Maybe you are all Loosey-Goosey and afraid your man is going to leave you for greener (tighter) pastures.  Fair enough.  But instead of going under the knife, I’m just suggesting you consider all the options.  How about asking HIM to get a penis enlargement instead?  Why not?  THAT is probably covered by insurance.  Or, if you are self conscious about the fact that your knockers hang to your knees and your stomach looks more like a Shar-Pei, then do what I do and simply turn off the lights…save your dignity AND electricity!   

My girlfriends and I joke around all the time about what stretched out old hags we are.  Good times.  I have one friend who swears she can tie a bow with her labia. Now that, I would like to see.  But if we all ran out and got vaginoplasty and tummy tucks and boob jobs and butt lifts, what in the world would we have to joke about?  

Oh, I suspect we’d find something….

Asset or Liability?

I have read Senator John McCain’s first person account of his harrowing five and a half years in captivity as a POW in North Vietnam (U.S. News & World Report, May 14, 1973).  He is definitely a survivor, a war hero, and a loyal American citizen.  He has served his country in ways that most of us can’t even imagine.  

What intrigues me most about this, however, is the fact that his experience as a POW is lauded by the Republicans as such a major asset in his bag of proposed presidential qualities.  

Here’s the scoop: John McCain was a Navy flier whose Skyhawk dive bomber was shot down over Hanoi in 1967.  Having sustained numerous broken bones in the crash, he was captured, beaten, and systematically tortured by the North Vietnamese in blatant disregard to the Geneva Convention of 1949.  The medical care for his life threatening injuries was minimal at best and he spent a good deal of his captivity in squalid solitary confinement, replaying favorite books in his head to survive the extreme loneliness and desperation.  Anyone who has watched a single prison movie knows that life “in the hole” for any amount of time is HELL ON EARTH.  A month of this kind of isolation can break the strongest of souls, let alone several years.  

The fact that McCain survived this ordeal tells me a great deal about his character.  But it also tells me that there is no way in hell that this man does not have some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We’ve all heard the buzz about his quick temper.  We know he is touted as “a Maverick.”  But come on.  Do we really want a man with that kind of baggage hovering over the button?  I’m thinking this guy has to have the itchiest trigger finger in the West.  To me, his time as a POW and the unavoidable emotional scars that must accompany that experience make him more of a liability than an asset.  I want a president who will calmly consider all the options before he/she makes a decision.  I want a president who will surround him/herself with various experts who can provide sound counsel and strategy.  I want a president who won’t thrust us into battle based on incomplete or falsified information just to settle an old score.  And call me a romantic, but I want a president who doesn’t use the word “gook.”  (McCain Criticized for Slur, SF Gate 2/18/2000.)  

I know this is not very politically correct.  But hey, I’m not the one running for public office here.  I’m not questioning John McCain’s bravery or loyalty or patriotism.  What I’m questioning is his mental stability. And given that, in addition to his advanced age of 72 (he is currently the oldest candidate to ever run for their first term of president) and his myriad physical challenges due to his POW experience, I am particularly fearful of his ability to lead our country.  Case in point: I think his choice of Sarah Palin as a running mate is a prime example of the kind of poor judgement and rash decision making that we would see in him as a president. My advice is to “just say no” to loose canons posing as “Mavericks.”  I choose brains, not brawn.  I choose even-keeled, not hot-headed. I choose Barack Obama, not John McCain.

He who is slow to anger has great understanding,

But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. - Proverbs 14:29

RNC (Republican National Cockfight)

Watched the RNC last night.  Fascinating stuff.  A few general observations:

1.) The sea of white sparkly people: I have to ask myself, why aren’t there any people of color at the convention?  Little baby Trig Palin was the most diverse member of the audience.  (And good for you guys for going after the retard vote.  No child left behind!)  Although I did see one black person….oh wait, that was one of the reporters from the public television station.  And what is the correlation between republicans and extremely overweight people with cowboy hats?  Are they so fat because of all the pork in the bills?  Or maybe they are the manifestation of ketchup as a veggie and scaled back school physical education programs.

2.)  Mitt Romney.  Yikes!  That guy is scary.  How could he stand up there and denigrate so many facets of our nation after 8 years of Bush/Cheney leadership? How do you think it got this way, bub?  Why are these people taking no responsibility for the state of our country right now?  And as for family values…are you kidding me?  Please don’t parade the Palins and their knocked-up teenage daughter as an example of good family values. I’m not buying it. Clearly having a Mom and a Dad around isn’t the fail safe recipe for keeping a child on the straight and narrow. 

3.)  Sarah “The Pit Bull” Palin.  You go girl!  Look, any woman with five kids who has survived living in Alaska and a stint in the PTA is clearly one helluva contender.  You had me at lipstick.  But come on, all the low blows about Obama just reinforce for me that you don’t have better things to say.  Couldn’t you have risen above and showcased your own strengths and ideas instead of undercutting the competition?  Luckily for my team, you don’t have any foreign policy experience and/or basic understanding of the role of the Vice President, because you are one confident, articulate lady. But it is clear that you are just a pawn.  I mean really, how does the Republican ticket compete with the star-powered history making Obama nomination and Joe Biden’s 36 year track record?  Fight fire with fire.  Bring on a woman.  But not just any woman. A young, feisty, attractive, gun toting, pro-life woman!  Wow. You guys are good.  All she needs is an “Obama Bin Laden” t-shirt, and you guys will hit all the bases.

So, let’s see what big John McCain has to say tonight.  I’d like to see less cockfighting and more concrete ideas for how we can get our nation out of this big fucking Republican mess.  And by the way, did you notice how Barack Obama declared the Palin’s family situation “off limits”?  THAT is how you take the high road, Sarah.  Iris out, yo.