Helicopters-R-Us

Oy vey iz mir, ya’ll… I am turning into one of those mothers. 

You know exactly what I mean… the kind of mothers I frequently write about in less than flattering terms. In my neck of the woods, we call them “Helicopter Moms.” In other words: mothers who hover. They are as common in suburban Atlanta as Loblolly pine pollen spores, and about as appealing too. But now that I’m fixin’ to become the spokesmodel for Helicopter Moms International, I’m thinking that the hovering mother archetype is about to become a whole lot more interesting. 

It’s funny. I used to pride myself on my anti-hovering ways. My children are pretty independent… mainly because they have to be to survive (“Hey, put that homework down… this cocktail isn’t going to refill itself you know.) But suddenly, I’ve been backed into a corner and the Mama Bear in me is coming out with a vengeance. That’s right people… the tide has turned. One of my children is in danger at school. That changes everything. Helicopter Mom? Uh, no. Try an AH-64A Apache Attack Helicopter armed with AGM-114 Missiles & Hydra Rockets.  How do you like me now, muthahfuckah?!

The Apache Military Helicopter... or what it looks like when a foul mouthed, easily provoked, booze whore with anger management issues becomes a "Helicopter Mom."

How did this happen? 

Well, you may recall that my middle child, Klepto, is a bit of a, oh… shall we say… handful? If you’ve spent more than 30 seconds perusing my smutty blog, you are already well acquainted with some of her antics. If you are new to my world, you might not realize that in the past six months alone, this child has: 

• stuck a wad of nasty chewed bubble gum that she found on an arcade floor into her panties
• trashed every pair of shoes she’s owned within minutes of placing them on her feet
• stolen numerous insundry items and lied about them
• started a dog-riot at the animal hospital and then told my vet that I had diarrhea

and there are probably more that I either couldn’t bear to write about or have unconsciously blocked out of my mind because they were so horrid. 

Now listen up, because this is important: it is totally acceptable for ME, her mother, to say these things and label my child “a handful,” but if someone else does that… they better prepare to have their limbs ripped from their body and shoved up their ass. 

In the interest of brevity, I’ll spare you the gory details for now; but let’s just say that Klepto is struggling with some mild behavioral issues at school and I am less than satisfied at the approach the teachers and administration are taking to support her. More details to come, but just prepare to be disgusted with the failings of the public school system. Don’t get me wrong, public school is perfectly fine for some, maybe even for most kids, but it is not working for my Klepto, and I’m definitely not the kind of woman to stand by and idly watch that happen. Look at me… do I look like the type of person who does anything half-ass? 

Thank you. I rest my case. This is just how I eat a piece of fruit on a balmy summer day… imagine how I’ll take on the superintendent of education. 

The silver lining is this: through these trials and tribulations of motherhood, I am becoming a more compassionate person. Instead of continuing to feel so annoyed, and yes, threatened by these mothers in my town who seem on the surface to be so over-involved, I am finally starting to adopt a “live and let live” attitude. We are all just doing the best we can for our kids. Each child is different and who am I to make assumptions or judgements about what those mothers are choosing to do to care for their kids? In fact, I think I might even have to change my tune about homeschooling. Shit, for me to say that, you know that things are really bad for my poor daughter right now. But also, I have a couple of really good friends who have recently embarked on the homeschooling journey. These are phenomenal, well adjusted, balanced women… not your typical Helicopter Moms.  And they made this choice due to the shortcomings that they found to exist in their local public schools and the frustrating untapped potential of their children that they alone are uniquely qualified to recognize and develop  in their own loving homes, at their children’s own pace. I salute these women and I pray that if the time comes when I need to make a similar decision that they will guide me with their wisdom and experience and ample supplies of humor, organic produce, and tequila. 

And so, I’m off to learn the ways of the Helicopter Moms. Look for me in the carpool line, at the cafeteria, and volunteering in the classrooms on a weekly basis. You can’t miss me, I’m the potty-mouthed woman in the cute apron feeding my children organic fresh-baked goods and fighting with “the man” to change the world one fucked up school policy at a time. See you on the side-lines, fuckahs. 

Peace out,

Iris

©  2009 The Bearded Iris

Keep Your Homeschooling at Home, Lady.

This is the body of an email I received last night from one of the maniacal homeschooling über-moms in my hood:  

We are studying the solar system this year and I wanted to be sure to include those little plutinos out there that were discovered in 2005.  

I didn’t know that there is a planet between Mars and Jupiter though.  Did you?

Here is a Word document showing the new solar system model along with info on that planet.  If you want more info on the plutino planets beyond Pluto, there is a ton of info on Wikipedia.com.

I thought Ceres was out there by Pluto.  I was wrong.  I spent over an hour reading lots about these “dwarf planets”.  Very interesting.  I wonder what model they teach in the school system?

Oh sweet Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick.  I could not make this shit up if I tried.  I do not have time to read this kind of obnoxious self-promotion…I have a family-sized box of Kraft Mac and Cheese to stir, people!  

I have nothing against homeschooling. Personally, I would never, could never do that with my spawn, but hey, whatever floats your boat.  But I like choices and I respect those of others as long as they don’t interfere with my rights and freedoms.  I totally appreciate the desire to protect your kids from bullies, school gunmen, irradiated cafeteria food, and exposure to undesirable influences (like Harry Potter *gasp* or racy science topics like evolution, good Lordy!).  Fine.  Whatever.  You go right on ahead and shelter your pasty white kids from the evils of public school, at least until the National Spelling Bee when he/she can mesmerize the rest of the free world with their Rainman-esque freakishly specific skill set. You’re actually doing me a favor, because now my kids won’t have to be exposed to your over-scheduled progeny boasting on the bus about how they’ve been SAVED.  So thanks.  But I would like to request that you not fill up my inbox with updates about all the fabulicious things you are teaching your kids in your oodles of spare time.  I consciously choose public school and 7.5 hours away from my children everyday FOR MANY REASONS and don’t really give a rat’s ass about little plutinos or any other curriculum topics in which your children are light-years ahead of schedule. So please, save us both some time and instead of annoying me with your Internet superiority dance, how about using that time for something more productive such as researching how to improve your sheltered children’s social skills. They may know a hell of a lot more than my kids about dwarf planets and URANUS (har), but they will never excel at the fine arts of dodgeball, cafeteria navigation, or general conversation with people other than their parents.

Footnote: I would like to apologize to several of my friends and relatives who homeschool for very specific medical and behavioral reasons.  This does not apply to you (especially the parts about being pasty white, over-scheduled, and SAVED).  However, I would appreciate it if you also limited your boasting.  That is just not very Christ-like behavior now is it?