A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All
Many of my readers have been asking me for parenting and housekeeping tips, since I clearly know a thing or two about both. So to keep ya’ll happy, I am instituting a new regular feature here at The Bearded Iris called “Just the Tip Tuesday.” From now on, every Tuesday, unless there is some kind of family or political emergency that needs to be addressed ‘a-sap,’ you can check here for some practical advice on everything from spouse management, to wrangling your nekkid toddler, to do-it-yourself-exterminating. I do it all. And usually in heels and a Wonder Bra.
And since playing “Just the Tip” is probably how my sweet baby, Bucket Head, came to be, it is only fitting that my first “Just the Tip Tuesday” post be all about how I am managing his antibiotic schedule for the Double Ear Infection from Hell. Have you ever been around an 18 month old with a double ear infection? I believe I can best sum it up for you with a limerick (and thank you to Bernie B. for the inspiration!).
There once was a baby in pain.
From shrieking he could not refrain.
His fever — extreme.
Now where’s my Jim Beam?
Vomiting sure leaves a stain.
So yeah, I’m pretty sleep deprived right about now. Hung over too.
Alright. Enough of my caterwaulin’. Here is my hot parenting tip of the week: the key to antibiotics is consistency. Lord knows I am not a fan of antibiotics. They totally fuck with your digestive track, and everyone knows that a good daily dump is the secret to lifelong happiness. But there are times, like when your sweet baby has a DOUBLE GOD DAMN EAR INFECTION, that you just don’t have a choice. I don’t want this angel to suffer any more than he already does having me for a mama.
Now, most of my life is just a hot, steamy mess. I am not very organized. (Who has time to tidy up when there is all this blogging to do?) But I found out the hard way that if I don’t have a system in place to record medicine doses, I will forget to medicate my baby and then he won’t get better. And that is how I came to invent my handy dandy Antibiotic Sticker Chart! Here is what it looks like, for you visual people:
You will notice in my chart that there are 10 rows, one for each of the 10 days the little sicko will need to be medicated. Each day has an AM and a PM sticker box. Alls you do is give the child his dose of medication and then give yourself a sticker for being such a good parent! Wooo-hooo! It is that simple, honey. Because I am such a giver, I’m gonna give you a copy for your own damn self. Be right back.
Shoot ya’ll, I don’t know a PDF from a PDQ. Just make your own damn chart. It is not that hard. Truly.
Look closely at this photo. In addition to my kick-ass checklist, you’ll also notice a few alcoholic beverages. Please note, these are for the parent, not the sick child. Trust me, a few libations can do wonders for pain management (again, for the pain of the adult, having to comfort the shrieking toddler all hours of the night, not for the pain of the infirm minor).
In conclusion, keep lots of booze on hand, some stickers, and a medicine chart the next time you have a sick baby. And remember, this too shall pass. See you next week for another installment of “Just the Tip Tuesday!” Please be sure to let me know if there are any particular topics you’d like to have covered in the upcoming weeks. Thanks, ya’ll.