The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

So the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind,” and the mushroom says “Oh come on! I’m a fungi!”

Oh for the LOVE OF GOD. I am now on a first-name basis with the receptionist at my pediatrician’s office. When I called yesterday she recognized my voice, greeted me warmly, and asked how little Bucket Head was doing, what with his third ear infection this month and the chicken pox and all. I told her I was actually calling on behalf of one of my other spawn, Klepto. Yes, this time it’s my 5 year old female middle child, the one with a penchant for petty crime, who is up to bat. The very same child who had that ugly stomach bug a few weeks ago and showered every square inch of my messy master suite with her stomach contents like a lidless-blender-full-o-cheeseburger-smoothie.

Long story short, Klepto has:

wait for it…

wait for it…

still with me?

it’s totally worth the wait…

but, brace yourselves…

it’s really gross…

she has:



This just might be the dung-covered straw that breaks the camel’s already swayed and achin’ back.  I mean really!  What’s next?  Lice?  Flesh-eating bacteria? A fifteen-foot tapeworm singing David Lee Roth songs? Get me outta here. This is really killing my buzz. Damn!

Wait, do you want to see it?

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Oh, alright. Fine. I’ll just show you mine. I’m not a very good negotiator. We’ll just consider this a 68 (you know…I’ll do you, and you can owe me one).  Check this shit OUT, ya’ll: 

She’s had this spot for a couple weeks…it started out much smaller though. I thought it was a bug bite. Then I noticed that it was getting bigger and not healing. (Note to self: bathing children is good for more than just odor abatement.) 

Good news – it is not actually a worm.  It’s a FUNGUS.  Ewww.  There’s a fungus among us…I’ve always wanted to say that outside the context of a mushroom festival. Loser. I know. But get this – it is the same fungus as athlete’s foot and jock itch!  Double ewww.  Bad news – it is contagious.  I need to wash all her sheets and clothes with hot water and apply a prescription anti-fungal cream on the spot twice a day for 2 weeks. Great. One more thing to do. One more straw on that poor old camel. My sad little humps are being crushed under all this stinky straw, yo!

You know what I really need? (Other than help teaching my children the fine art of proper hand washing, obviously)… a vacation. First person to send me a one way plane ticket ANYWHERE wins the prize: me.  I’ll start packing.  I can be ready in 20 minutes. I’ll bathe in bleach first. Seriously. Let’s go. Anywhere. Please? 

© 2008 The Bearded Iris

7 comments on “So the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind,” and the mushroom says “Oh come on! I’m a fungi!”

  1. brigidday
    October 25, 2008

    I feel your pain – my family is partial to pink eye. The last time the nurse called in the drops, she actually called me back to “remind” me it’s all about the handwashing… As if the last two times I sanitized my house and washed sheets everytime someone glanced at them didn’t leave an impression. And I put my 4yo to bed tonight with a brand new rash from her bottom lip to her chin. Noticed it during her bath, of course! Let’s all cross our fingers it’s gone when I go check on her! Good luck with the vacation plans!!

  2. Not Drowning Mother
    October 26, 2008

    Fungus Schmungus! I’m just so excited to see how well those pink converses came up in the wash. What’s your secret, sister-girlfriend?

  3. Iris
    October 26, 2008

    Soaked them in Oxy-Clean overnight. Really glad it worked….I love those shoes. Yep, Oxy-Clean…buy it by the bucket…it’s a stain-fighting miracle, and a hat. Oh, dammit. I’m one of THOSE women now. My life has been reduced to applying anti-fungal creams and swapping laundry tips. Pardon me while I stick my head in the oven.

  4. brigidday
    October 26, 2008

    FYI- my 4yo did not have a rash on her face. She had/has broken blood vessels from sucking a cup onto her face while with my husband…

  5. Mother*Loaded
    October 26, 2008

    Man…your life was made for a blog…I mean we’ve been sick three times since the start of school and I thought that was bad, but stomach bug, chicken pox, and ring worm…You really couldn’t make this shit up…puts my blogging topics to shame!!!

    Just one question though…is it wrong that I am slightly bitter that I always seem to get sick over the weekend instead of during the week when I would prefer for my DH to step up and take some extra responsibilities?..Is that aweful?

    Oh “brigidday”…love that the rash was actually due to your husband being on watch…gave me a laugh!!!

  6. The Sober Fool
    October 26, 2008

    OK. Andiamo. I’ll buy you a ticket to Italy. We need to start working on those positive affirmations. Take out your copy of Creative Visualization and repeat after me. My entire family is happy and healthy. Say it over and over. Write it down and tape it to your bathroom mirror so you can be reminded to say it over and over. There is no time to lose here.

  7. Pingback: Verbal Diarrhea « The Bearded Iris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


This entry was posted on October 25, 2008 by in mother and tagged , , , , , , .
%d bloggers like this: