The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Helmets R Us

Yesterday was day five of the epic Southern snow storm and icy lock down. But hope is in the air. The ice is beginning to melt. Should be back to normal in a day or two. Well, as normal as my family gets, anyway.

Missing a week of school just flat out sucks… for the kids and the parents. My 11 year old, while being forced to write a Christmas thank you note yesterday, asked me how to spell “much.” So yeah, brain cells have clearly atrophied this week. Unless he received some brain damage when the neighbor kid beaned him in the head with an ice ball the other day… which is another possibility.

The best part of that story is that the shooter’s mom, Tammy, my bff, specifically told the boys (who were in her yard at the time) to NOT aim for the faces or heads. AND, my son (pictured above) was wearing a bike helmet due to the icy sledding conditions and the fact that his mama is a freak. Now he looks like he had an epic battle with He Who Must Not Be Named. Boys and ice balls… they go together safely like bleach and ammonia, or broken glass and crawling babies, or tequila shots and parent-teacher conferences. Sigh.

So my son comes in at the end of the day with this goose-egg on his forehead and I am pissed. I call Tammy with my panties in a wad and say, “Um, excuse me, but what the hell happened over there?” And she says, “I know, I’m so sorry! I told them ‘Not the face! Not the face!’ and it happens to the one kid wearing the helmet.”

Oh my God. She’s mocking me about the helmet.

Listen, I have a good reason, people.

My ONE biological sibling, whom I adore, was life-flighted off a snowy mountain and almost died a few years ago after sledding head-first into a tree. The fact that he is alive and relatively well today is nothing short of miraculous. He was not wearing a helmet.

I mean come on… it is an accepted fact that people should wear helmets when they bike or skate or ride in miniature school buses, why not when they sled? Helloooo? I can’t be the only person to realize this, can I?

So Tammy emails me earlier that day and says: “D refused to wear a helmet — your kids are keeping theirs on…. I’m a bad mom for not making him wear one, but he promised to go down facing forward and away from the deck.”

To which I snarkily replied: “Oh well that’s good… at least if he hits the deck (literally), he’ll mess up his face and not his head.  And besides, his braces will probably keep his teeth in his mouth so you won’t have to search for them in the snow.”

She didn’t write back. Go figure.

She’ll get over it. We love each other more than our luggage. And maybe she’ll rethink letting an 11 year old “refuse” safety gear. She doesn’t let him refuse a seat belt or protective eye wear at the gun range, so there’s hope.

Look, I have enough to worry about. If I can prevent a traumatic brain injury, why not. I mean really… my kids have enough of a mental handicap being raised by a slacker like me. Then missing a whole week of school on top of it? Puh-lease. The homeschooled kids in my neighborhood probably just moved on to advanced Latin stems this week. My kids, on the other hand, for their foreign language enrichment, watched a Scooby Doo DVD in Spanish… multiple times. I must admit, it’s pretty entertaining… especially hearing “ZOINKS!” in a Spanish accent. Anything with a Spanish accent is better… even Shaggy Rogers. Yes, that’s his last name. Google it. We watch A LOT of Scooby Doo around here… in our helmets.

Safety first!


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris

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This entry was posted on January 15, 2011 by in mother, practical and tagged , , , .
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