The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

My Baby is Sprouting Boobies, Part 2

As I was saying, the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. The very prospect of my 8 year old daughter beginning to blossom into a young woman has me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If you are just joining us, you can read all about this budding development and my myriad inappropriate responses here.  When you’re all caught up, come on back. We’ll wait for you.

So then… Babies with Boobies, part 2. Right…

First of all, in my defense, my husband would like me to tell you that Mini-Me and Spider-Man have been doing an awful lot of sliding down the stairs on their bellies lately for fun. (More proof that an 8 year old girl has no business growing boobies.)  He truly believes that she has probably just bruised her pectoral muscles and that the sore lumps she’s experiencing are nothing more than deep tissue carpet burns from the stairs.

He’s certainly entitled to his opinion and I truly appreciate the potential scapegoat. But listen people: I am not making mountains out of mole hills here. And by mole hills, I mean breast buds. And by breast buds, I mean itty-bitty-titties. Those ain’t no carpet burns. Thar’s gold in them there hills.

My breast didn’t start to develop until I was 11. And no, that’s not a typo. I said breast… as in one. My left breast started to bud a full year before the one on the right decided to join the party in my Benetton sweater. And I’ll never forget it, because my friend Kevin’s big sister Kelly told EVERYONE on my block about my lone ranger. Bitch. She totally had it coming when Kevin put that Nair in her shampoo.

And I only mention this traumatic memory because aren’t daughters supposed to follow the same growth patterns as their mothers? I certainly did. But no… not Mini-Me… that girl just lives to burn my biscuits and do everything her own damn way. Always has, always will.

But back to the main issue. Why oh why is my 8 year old daughter starting to develop now?

Unsure where else to turn, I sat down with my computer last night and googled my way into the wee hours of the morning. And let me tell you, the Internet is no place for a panicking mother. Everywhere I turned I was seeing phrases like “hormones in food,” “pesticides in produce,” “over exposure to phthalates in plastics and cosmetics,” “stimulating effects of sexually suggestive television shows,” and even “attachment issues” as possible reasons for “precocious puberty.” Oh my gravy. Precocious? Really? Couldn’t anyone come up with a more comforting term than that?! I am suddenly having terrifying visions of her stealing my new MAC Hellraiser lipstick and sneaking off to a Rainbow Party.

And if that weren’t enough, phrases like “increased risk of breast cancer” (due to a longer life-time exposure to estrogen) and “unwanted sexual attention” just about had me ready to hit the crack pipe.

I even found one story about a rare case of extremely early puberty way back in 1834 in Butler County, Kentucky, where a baby girl’s hips and breasts began to grow soon after she was born. By the age of 1, she was menstruating and at age 10, she gave birth to a 7-pound baby.

Great. Well that makes me feel a whole lot better. Something to look forward to…

On a positive note, I did find that 8 years old is not out of the realm of normal these days. In fact, the average age of breast budding in the United States is between 8 and 13. So there’s that. But come on… of all the places to be ahead of the class? Really? This is what I get? She couldn’t be the fastest at the timed addition tests or winner of the tri-county spelling bee? Just my luck. Winner of the boobie-prize.

I’m still not sure why she is developing a full three years earlier than I did.

She’s not overweight, which is a factor often associated with precocious puberty. She eats a very healthy well-rounded diet. It’s not like I’ve been feeding her a steady stream of McNuggets and cherry flavored Little Hugs. She drinks organic milk from non-rBGH treated cows. She loves fruits and vegetables. She plays outside every day and takes a high energy dance class once a week. In fact, she’s the only person in my home who can do a chin up.

So, it’s a mystery. I still don’t know why it is happening, and I don’t think I can do anything to stop it. I bought Mini-Me a sweet little potted pink rose bush for in her room and made her a card that had words like “blossom” and “budding” and “beautiful” in it. It was on her desk when she got home from school today and it made her smile. That’s about all I can do at this point.

But I can tell you this… the next thing I’m going to buy for her is the ugliest training bra ever made. I’m talking about the industrial kind from the 1950s with straps as wide as her wrists. And maybe I’ll even throw in a matching pair of granny panties with built-in hooks for the loaf-of-bread-sized-maxi-pads the ladies used to wear back in the day. Perhaps that will keep her away from those Rainbow Parties. But I’m going to hide all my lipsticks just in case.

Upliftingly yours,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

4 comments on “My Baby is Sprouting Boobies, Part 2

  1. Mama Cloud
    February 1, 2011

    Yup…That looks about as ugly as the harness I have to wear on a daily basis!!! I sometimes wish that I could go back to my middle school days where the existence of breasts were actually appreciated by this woman rather than despised…Instead I dream of after breastfeeding shrinkage and the possibility that my childhood diagnosed scoliosis might actually lead to a health insurance funded reduction and lift one of these days!!!

    I love the way you sweetly and discretely celebrated the milestone and am super supportive of your future plan of action…As always your an inspiring mama!!!

    • The Bearded Iris
      February 2, 2011

      Thanks MF Mama! Your love and support is so appreciated!

      And about that reduction… don’t you dare. Take it from me, as soon as that baby gets here you will be wearing Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak for the rest of your life. Having a big set of fun-bags is your only defense against the dark arts. Omg, I totally just outed myself as a geek didn’t I?!

  2. Jellyhead
    February 3, 2011

    Your blooming, budding rosebush brought on the threat of tears. How I wish my mom had shown that kind of sympathy and sense of fun. Not that she wasn’t a good mom, but that memory will be a precious one for Mini Me. Way to go, Iris.

    Now, maybe she won’t remember the bulk deliveries of wine in a box.

    • The Bearded Iris
      February 4, 2011

      Oh Jellyhead, you know me too well! Cheers to that!

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This entry was posted on January 27, 2011 by in hot mess, mother and tagged , , , , .
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