The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Guac it to me.

I ran into my old friend Nina at the library the other day. She was patiently teaching her 3 year old to read while I was sitting there perusing a book called Screamfree Parenting.

No lie.

Nina knows I like to cook. We used to be in a babysitting co-op together and every time someone in the group had a baby, we’d take turns bringing dinners to their family.  I must have brought her a real humdinger when she had her 2nd bambino because that was over 3 years ago and she still remembers it. Either that or the poor thing is just used to eating crap. Who’s to say? But I’m going to assume the best, because Nina’s a sweet girl and a straight shooter.

Now, I don’t know if I’d call myself a good cook, per se… but I do know a tasty recipe when I see one, and I am damn good at following directions. Just don’t put me in Kitchen Stadium up against Chefs Mario and Bobby and expect me to make a flan out of ostridge eggs and squid ink.

Anyheeee, long story longer, Nina suggested I include more recipes on my blog. And she specified, “real food… not just doughnut cakes and Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies.”

So Nina, your wish is my command. I will happily share some of my favorite recipes, as long as you all sign a waiver that you won’t tell my Italian mother in law.

You see, most of my best recipes come from her, and she would probably want me to keep them “in the family,” if you know what I mean. Or in the words of Michael Corleone:

“…don’t ever take sides, with anyone, against the family again. Ever.”

Look, can I be honest? There’s another reason you can’t tell my mother in law about the recipes you find here. I have shared my recipes with her in the past and it never works out. Unlike me who has to follow a recipe to the letter, my MIL has never met a recipe she couldn’t alter, and not always for the best. The woman is fearless about changing or omitting key ingredients. Then she’ll serve her “new and improved” dish at a family gathering, and as I’m watching people gag over her bastardized version of my formerly delicious black eyed pea salad, she sweetly gives credit where credit is due: “It’s Iris’s recipe.” Thanks Mom.

Okay, so do we have a deal? That means you too Teresa. Remember what Jimmy Conway said in Goodfellas:

“…never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”

Enough with the mafia references. I like a good stereotype as much as the next girl, but let’s move on. How about something easy and Mexican.

Iris’s “I’m Gonna Make You an Offer You Can’t Refuse” Guacamole:

I whipped this up last night to go with the horse-head tacos bean burritos we had for dinner. This is one of my favorite sides and I make it about once a week. It’s really easy and delicious. Plus, it’s super healthy because it is 100% fresh, raw, and vegan. Don’t worry about the fat content of the avocado. It’s good fat…keeps your skin hydrated and your brain lubricated. Or as Clemenza would say:

“Leave the gun, take the cannoli.”


  • Two ripe avocados, roughly mashed with fork
  • 1/4 sweet or red onion, minced
  • 1 jalapeno, seeds removed, minced
  • 1 clove of garlic, smashed and minced
  • freshly squeezed juice of one lime
  • small handful of fresh cilantro, chopped
  • good pinch of sea salt (I use pink Himalayan ~$1.99 @ Trader Joe’s)
  • freshly ground black pepper (to taste)

Mix together all ingredients and serve immediately with corn chips, fresh veggies, or Mexican food.

Bon appetit, and mum’s the word. Wink wink, {secret handshake}.


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

10 comments on “Guac it to me.

  1. allysgrandma
    March 17, 2011

    Aaahh guacamole and chips….one of my favorite indulgences. My sister has another even easier version. Smash up avocados and put in some salsa. That works too, but your recipe is what my DH usually makes. May I just say, I have not lost one pound on weight watchers since starting in the middle of January???? Yes not one pound! Wait I mean 1 sustained pound….I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain….

  2. Heather
    March 17, 2011

    I have that Screamfree Parenting book… I made it to page 4 before I realized that, well, I scream because I like it and, dammit, it gets results. The book is all yours if you want it! 🙂

  3. Ivette Soler
    March 17, 2011

    I’m leaving the gun, and taking the guacamole!

  4. Deanne
    March 17, 2011

    But you see, Iris, it should also have tomatoes in it. Freshly diced and only the whole part of the tomato, not the seedy part. And you want to use lemon – not lime. And you should throw some cheese and some dill relish in it because those things make EVERYTHING better.

  5. Recipe Chefs
    March 17, 2011

    Excellent recipe. Thanks for sharing this post. I really enjoy reading your blog. Feel free to check out our recipes.

    Recipe Chefs –

  6. Jane
    March 17, 2011

    You never give an Italian family’s recipe away-ever. My mother once whispered a recipe over the phone to my sister and I was the only one in the room!

  7. This Mid 30s Life
    March 18, 2011

    Oh yum. I cannot see a bowl of guacamole without wanting to push my face in it and drown.

    Must ask – what’s cilantro? Although I could just google it. Lazy arse.

    • The Bearded Iris
      March 25, 2011

      Oh, my bad! Sometimes I forget that I have an International audience! (That sounds so swanky and important, doesn’t it?!) I believe you Europeans probably know cilantro as coriander. It is the leafy plant of the coriander seed though, not the dried seeds. Cilantro is an acquired taste for some, but I absolutely LOVE IT. It is very fresh and clean tasting, almost soapy, but in a good way (says the girl whose mother washed her mouth out with soap on more than one occasion). A must for any fresh Tex-Mex dish. Also a staple of Indian cuisine.

  8. laura lee
    March 18, 2011

    yum! scream free parenting, that made me scream w/ laughter!

  9. MikeP
    March 18, 2011

    Never take sides against the family again.

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This entry was posted on March 17, 2011 by in kitchen wench and tagged , , , , , , .
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