The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

The Innocent

Allow me to introduce my family.  Please don’t hold it against them…it is really not their fault.

The Gatekeeper

This is my husband, “The Gatekeeper.”  I am his domestic slave and he is my lawn boy.  I am the Lucy to his Ricardo…in other words, I am the fun one and he is my conscience. But it’s a good arrangement.  He brings home his bacon, and I fry it up in my pan.  And we make really pretty babies, but you wouldn’t know that because I have to crop off their heads to protect them from the Axis of Evil.

Nature Boy

Here’s the first born of the brood. He is an angel! He is SO kind and gentle and smart that I’m starting to think he was switched with my real baby in the hospital nursery. Nature boy refuses to eat all fruits except green apples. Not surprisingly, he is the reason I own a toilet auger.

Mini-Me, formerly known as Klepto

She totally gets it from her Mama.  Make sure you frisk her before she leaves your house. She has some seriously sticky fingers and tends to stash loot in her panties.  God help me when she is a teenager.  She’s 8 years old and a force of nature. Her hobbies include playing piano, drawing, making as much noise as she possibly can, and pole dancing.

Spider-Man, formerly known as Bucket Head

This is the baby.  Well, I guess he’s a preschooler now, but he’ll always be my baby.  When he was a toddler, he just loved his little bucket. Wore it everywhere. Hell, I didn’t care. It kept his head safe and warm and gave the neighbors something to talk about. These days he dresses in Super Hero costumes 24/7. He also has a speech impediment, a ridiculously contagious giggle, and a deep rooted fear of sleeping alone.

Ike, formerly known as The Devil

Our dog.  Part Black Lab, part Cuisinart.  We “rescued” him from the Humane Society…but I totally get why his previous owners dumped him there in the first place. He’s 6 years old and what Caesar Milan would call an Alpha Male, but what I call a royal pain in the ass. I love him, I do, but seriously, I’d trade him for a six pack of Nut Brown Ale and a bag of Sour Patch Kids. People keep telling me that Labrador Retrievers take a long time to calm down. But damn, how many dog years is “a long time?”

Gracie, formerly known as The Kitten

Meet the newest member of our clan, Gracie. She was Mini-Me’s surprise birthday present last year…  cutest thing you ever saw… until she hooked her razor like kitty claws into Mini-Me’s lip and got dropped about 4 feet onto the dog… then it wasn’t so cute. In fact it was downright terrifying for everyone within a mile radius. But now Gracie is declawed and Ike is her bitch and all is right with the world.


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